I actually wrote this entire post as an email to a friend. Then I dropped the dream part as a comment on another friend’s Facebook page. But since I’m a lazy asshole and haven’t updated in a month, you get to read all of it.
Have you ever seen American Mary? You should if you haven’t. It’s brilliant. I loved it. Anywho, in case you haven’t there’s a character named Beatrice. Here’s Beatrice:
There’s a lady that works here. She looks and sounds just like Beatrice, except she’s blonde. Whenever I talk to her, I can’t help but stare. She’s SO NICE. But she’s also blonde Beatrice. It’s so distracting. This means nothing unless you’ve seen the film. So go watch the movie. And note, I’m not knocking this lady. She just looks like the actress. And, like I said, she’s so goddamn nice, it’s distracting.
Second, I had this dream last night. In my dream I was driving along and this car with three attractive young ladies pulled up alongside and were sizing me up and hollering at me because I’m so handsome. I was hollering back of course, as not to be rude and ignore. Unfortunately, the driver wasn’t paying close enough attention to the road and ran off it. The car did a bunch of rolls as cars do, and came to a rest upside down and all buckled. Of course I’m a hero, so I pulled over and went to rescue them. The first girl I pulled out of the car had lost her bottom half. She wasn’t bloody at all though. It was just cut clean off from the belly button down. And she was crying and saying, “Look at me! I’m ugly. No one will love me!”
And, me, trying to make her feel better, I say, “No, you’re still beautiful. People will still love you.” Apparently that was the wrong answer because she started screaming at me.
“THAT’S ALL I’M GOOD FOR? MY LOOKS? I HAVE A BRAIN TOO, YOU KNOW.”
And I was like, “Whoa, hang on, I was just…”
“You were just being a pig!”
Then she called the press. SHE CALLED THE PRESS ON ME. And with this being a dream, of course the press was there instantaneously.
Having no time for this bullshit, I went back to the car and rescued the other two women still trapped inside. They were cool, they thanked me.
I turned around from the car, and all of these mics were in my face and reporters were shouting questions at me:
“DID YOU SAVE HER JUST BECAUSE SHE’S PRETTY?”
“ARE ALL WOMEN NOTHING MORE THAN PIECES OF FLESH TO YOU?”
“DO YOU THINK SHE COULDN’T GET OUT BY HERSELF NEEDED A MAN?????”
I didn’t say anything, just walked away like the Bruce Banner.
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Posted by Stewie in Humor, Pics
I take the metro to work every day, and when I’m not reading or watching TV shows on my Kindle, I like to play a game I call, “Guess the Serial Killer.” It’s exactly what you think it is. I pick out the person on my train who is most likely the serial killer and come up with how they go about their business and what they do with their victims.
More than a month ago, I was playing that game while in the middle of a text conversation with one of my friends. She is aware of this game I play, and I told her should anything happen to me, look for the guy who looks like Reverend Kane from Poltergeist 2. That’s this guy for those who don’t know:
This motherfucker terrifies me.
Anywho, my friend texts me a reply, demanding a picture of Serial Killer Kane. Of course, I oblige. I get comfy, pull up my phone, open up the camera, line it up, get the focus, and snap the picture.
Oh, you see what I didn’t do? TURN OFF THE FUCKING SOUND. Serial Killer Kane looked right at me.
But I didn’t panic! I have ice water in these veins, buster. I’m a quick thinker. Without missing a beat, I took another picture, then another one, all the while making faces. I made like I was taking selfies until he looked out the window.
Crisis averted, and I get to live another day.
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Posted by Stewie in Humor
Don’t let that title fool you. This isn’t going to be a post about how my body has started falling apart the moment I turned 40 (although it has). This is more of a piece on how something made me happy recently, and it’s ridiculous because I’m old. That something? A new vacuum cleaner.
For a while now, I’ve been thinking about replacing (or at least upgrading) my vacuum cleaner to a new one. My current one was pretty bad ass when I bought it. I know I got it on clearance because a newer model was coming out, but it was a spectacular deal for a damn decent vacuum. I think I paid like $40 for it, when it retailed for like $100. But that was like 10 years ago.
So, last Wednesday, Amazon this Hoover on sale for $65. I checked Camel Camel Camel, this great site that tells you Amazon price history (thanks, James!), to see if it was a good deal for real (and it was, it’s $100 right now), and then I ordered it. Expected delivery was today.
And here’s where the “I am old” part comes in. I actually looked forward to the new vacuum. The reviews were solid, and I know that my current one just doesn’t have the suction it should. I was eager to check it out. So eager, in fact, that every time I heard a stupid truck going by my house today, I went to the door. And when the post man finally drove up, I ran outside like a child eager to open his presents on Christmas day. I must be part ninja because when I came up to the postman’s jeep, I scared him. He goes, “You must be real excited about this Hover.”
“Uh…yeah.” I had nothing. Because his sarcasm was appreciated and pretty spot on. I was unnecessarily excited about a stupid vacuum cleaner.
I took the box, unpacked it, put the vacuum together, and proceeded to put it to the test. Now I vacuum about once a week anyway, and I just vacuumed a few days ago because I had dropped some chips, but holy shit, yeah, I was long overdue for a new one. This sucker showed a noticeable difference to my rug, and it was picking up far too much stuff for a rug that I had just vacuumed a few days prior.
But there’s no reason for being as excited as I was for a stupid vacuum cleaner. I have no excuse for it except I might be 70.
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Posted by Stewie in Coolness
I bought my first Keurig coffee maker years ago. Five or six at least. I loved it so much, I ended up buying one for my sister, one for my father, and one for my friend as Christmas gifts. It ended up flaking out after some years of use, so when it was time to get a new one, I reached out to Joy, my sister, to find me a coupon. Because if there’s a coupon, she’d find it.
After a day or two, she sent me an email on a stellar deal on a Keurig Vue. The (what I thought was the) latest and greatest Keurig. I ended up picking up the top-of-the-line model and once it arrived, I was very pleased with it. Sure, I could no longer buy K-cups (the new one used, er…Vue cups), but hey! New technology!
That feeling didn’t last long. Turns out, Keurig had quietly discontinued the Vue in order to get out the new, superior Keurig 2.0. This sucker took the K-cups and one of its newest features was it now did carafes! Unfortunately, because of the more-or-less push out of the Vue machines, stores stopped carrying Vue cups, I could only buy them directly from Keurig’s online store. (In their defense, though, they have really good coupons come through email, so they are quite competitive price-wise with the regular stores). However, while I really can’t complain about price and availability of the Vue cups, the selection was (and still is) SO LIMITED. With the K-cup, you literally (literally, not figuratively…literally) have hundreds of options. With the Vue, you’re looking at 30 or 40 choices, and that includes hot chocolate and teas.
So, the other day, an email from Keurig comes through pimping their reusable filters (which allows the use of ANY ground coffee in the machines) for their Keurigs and Keurig 2.0s. See something missing? Yeah. So I took to Twitter and asked if they had plans to make the filters for the Vue. They replied unfortunately not, but they’d relay my message to customer service. I said thanks, please do that, because the selection was lacking. Then I get a direct message from them asking for my contact info, which I provided because I figured maybe they’d send me a coupon or complimentary box of Vue cups.
The next morning, at 8:30, my phone rings. It’s Keurig. The guy wants to talk about my complaint.
I explained to him while they make a great product, I felt a little screwed because of how they handled Vue’s demise. Naturally, I didn’t blame him (and people who do that, blame the person who’s trying to find out the problem, suck), but the overall situation was kind of frustrating.
He understood, and did something I never expected, offered me a swap. My Vue for a new Keurig 2.0. Ho. Ly. Shit. To say I was excited and pleased was an understatement. I shit you not, I love this product. I always have. I love the ease of use, I love the variety of choices…it’s one of the favorite things in my kitchen. Listen, I buy decaf coffee only so I can drink coffee at night too.
There’s no doubt he was looking at my online account because he knew I had two machines and I even had submitted the serial number for the Vue incorrectly (I had to read it to him), so he could clearly see I was a faithful customer and wasn’t blowing smoke up his ass. Hell, just last month I spent $50 for some cups.
Long story short, I tweeted to them on Tuesday, and there was a damn 2.0 on my porch on Thursday. Like I said on Twitter, they have a customer for life right here.
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The toughest thing for me when it comes to writing a review for my site is the starting sentence or graph. Hell, that’s tough for most writers. But (again) for me, I find it far easier to jump right into a blog post (when I bother to do one) than to start the first words of a review.
As I was pondering how I was going to start the review for this book I recently finished, the words came to me rather quickly. It’s going to start with, “When I was a kid, my favorite things to read — before King became part of my library — were…” And as I was finishing that thought in my head, I realized not only was I happy with where that’s going to go, but I had the idea for a new blog entry as well.
When I was kid, my favorite things to read — before King became part of my library — were Encyclopedia Brown, Choose Your Own Adventure, and anything Bigfoot, UFO, or Loch Ness. The latter three I’ll be discussing in said upcoming review, but the first two? Let’s talk about them now.
For those that didn’t have the luxury of growing up with Leroy “Encyclopedia” Brown, he was a kid that solved mysteries for $0.25 a day (plus expenses). I have to be honest here, I don’t remember any stories (c’mon! It’s been over 30 years, easy), but I do remember the solution for one because at the time it was so damn slick. I don’t recall what, exactly, Brown was investigating, I just remember it happened to do with a lady in white who was seen on the beach at night, BUT SHE LEFT NO TRACKS! Was she a ghost? Had someone murdered her, forever making her wander the last place she took a breath? It certainly was a mystery…and Encyclopedia Brown was on the case! Eventually, it turned out that whoever was walking on the beach in that white dress (seriously, I can’t remember) had put a piece of cardboard in the train (maybe it was a wedding dress) and it was weighted just enough that it was smoothing out the sand behind her, thus leaving no footprints. How genius is that? And that kid Brown, well he’s a smart cookie. As I was looking for pictures of covers, it appears that the series is still in print, so I’m pleased that a younger generation will get the same glee as me from reading these.
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When I wasn’t reading Encyclopedia Brown solving mysteries, I was tearing into Choose Your Own Adventure books. If you didn’t experience CYOA as a kid, well, I’m sorry your childhood sucked.
If you don’t know what a CYOA book is, it’s exactly what it sounds like…you choose your own adventure. Basically, you read a page or two, and then you make a choice. If you choose one way, go to page five. If you choose another, go to page nine. And you kept making choices until you ran out of them. Then you started all over. And these books were so popular, which was fantastic for us fans because there were TONS of them. Below are just a few of the titles, and you can see a nice sized picture of even more here.
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In addition to having a ton to choose from, the series’ popularity of course spawned knockoffs. The best of which were the Dungeons and Dragons’ Endless Quest books. It was like two of my favorite things got smashed together into something wonderful.
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I’m not the type to pine over the things I had in childhood, wishing I still had them. But, man, outside of all of my Star Wars toys (if only to sell), I would love to have all of these sitting on my bookshelf now.
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