A few days ago on my Twitter feed I said I have been having crazy dreams lately and since this blog is all but extinct, I figured I’d try to get back on the horse and post about the dreams I’ve been having.

Well, I had one last night, but I can barely remember what it was about, except that it must have been summer or spring. The reason I know this is because Carbon Leaf’s Raise the Roof was part of the soundtrack to my dream, and that song always reminds me of one of those lazy days you only find in spring or summer.

Kind of a lame update, but there you go. Dance till you fall, love till you die, shut your mouth. Raise the roof:

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IT'S OKAY! I DIDN'T JUMP! (there was glass.)

I worked in our New York office this weekend. It has a nice view.

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Last night I got a bug up my ass to find a card that was given to me years and years ago. Because I’m obviously a woman, I’ve kept a shit-ton of letters and cards from family and girlfriends over the years. Going through the box, I surprised myself on how much shit I kept. I mean we’re talking pen-pal letters that are 25+ years old (I should scan some of those in). As I was going through them, I made a mental note to throw some away. I really don’t need to keep all of them, especially the ones from ex-girlfriends from when I was 17, although they do bring a good laugh on how stupid we are as teenagers.

Anyway, I found a letter from my sister Joy from when she was in the military. I didn’t even remember getting a letter from her (and this was the early ’90s). Shockingly, as I continued to dig through this box, I found numerous letters and cards from her. This was surprising because our family is simply not that way. Not to each other, anyway. I used to write a lot of letters to my (female) friends in college, and when I had moved out of the house (all of this before email, of course), but I don’t ever remember writing my sister. So I called her today and told her what I found.

“I wrote you letters? Why? Are you sure they are from me?”

“Yes I’m sure, Joy. I don’t know anyone else named Joy. Who else would they be from?”

“Maybe I was brainwashed. Oh…wait, were they from basic training?”

“Yeah, I only looked through a couple, but there were definitely some from basic.”

“Oh, okay. It makes sense now. Yeah, the drill sergeants forced us to write to our families so they wouldn’t be worried.”

“Every one is signed ‘♥ Joy’. Otherwise read as ‘Love, Joy’.”

“I don’t know what that was all about.”

Well I went through some tonight and she’s full of shit. While certainly some were from basic, a lot were from when she was in Germany, well after basic. I haven’t gone through them all, but here are some wonderful highlights:

July 4th, 1991 (Letter):

(Talking about someone in her platoon or whatever.)

Well anyway, she was practicing out on the firing range beside me 2 weeks ago and for a period of time she went from crying to laughing and back again. Sometimes she did both at the same time. I was scared to be near her. (She had a loaded weapon.) Anyway she’s like that guy from that movie I can’t remember the name of it…The one where he blows away his drill sergeant and then himself in the latrine. Well put it his way, I wouldn’t be surprised if she did that.

(Later on in the same letter.)

Also tell [mom] not to throw my platoon picture in some corner to get fucked up.

May 4th, 1992 (Letter):

(This is in reply to pictures I sent of her car after I totaled it.)

The pictures of the car had my heart broken, but at least you’re okay. That’s the important thing I suppose.

(Suppose? WTF!)

June 22nd, 1992 (Letter):

(She is referring to her birthday here.)

Oh, by the way, in case you were wondering. As of today, we have 1 month, 2 weeks and 5 days until you know what. Don’t fret little bro. I’ll send a list of gifts and presents which will be acceptable.

August 10th, 1993 (Letter):

Hi. How’s it going? I’m sitting here listening to Ice T. KKK Bitch to be precise. Your mother’s favorite man.

(For those in the know, my mom hated Ice T. HATED. Yeah, he was a passenger on her infamous plane.)

August 12th, 1993 (Letter):

PS – Tell everyone I said thanks for the birthday card and/or phone call I never received on my birthday. Very thoughtful of you all.

PSS – I am 24 now. I will always be older and wiser than you. You will never be able to catch up to me. Even if I’m dead my bones will still be aging. It just goes to prove…You can’t do anything you set your mind to. Hmmmmmmmmm.

September 26th, 1993 (Letter):

Oh here’s something you will be excited to hear. I bought one of those battery operated breast pumps to extract milk for the baby when I go back to work.

(Really, Joy? Really?)

December ’93 (Christmas Card):

As usual, I apologize for getting more presents than yourself. It’s not my fault I was born beautiful and great.

 

There is a lot of good things in these letters, but much of it is inside and is only funny to us. But, damn, I’m glad I kept them.

Oh, and since I know you are reading this Joy, not only did you end all of your letters with ‘♥ Joy’, but many of them had a “Miss you!” preceding that ♥. FYI.

 

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I made a math equation about a year ago for a forum (pushes glasses up) that only about three people will appreciate. However, I am getting tired of looking for this awesome equation every time I want to go back to it. I decided to put it here since I never update this blog and it will be easy to find.

A couple of things: Anyone who is ever talked to a film student about movies (while they were still in film school), 99.9% are the most annoying blowhards, completely void of any opinion other than parroting what their professor has told them. The more popular a movie is (ie anything by Michael Bay), the more they hate it and the more they will always try to turn the conversation to Citizen Kane or some other such film. Sometimes they manage to grow out of that, sometimes they get worse with age. Regardless, my formula is based on film students and those that refuse to watch any mainstream movies, always dismissing them as garbage without actually seeing them.

Note, when I refer to “CINEMA”, I am speaking of films that only play in extremely limited runs before going to Criterion for distribution (Michael Bay Criterion releases obviously excluded).

So, without further blabber, here you go:

Fanboy’s appreciation of a movie = PD/DK x P + C + A + DT (in miles)

Where as:

PD = Popularity of Director. The more known a director is to general public, the lower the number. Bay is a house hold name, so he would be -50.
DK = Level of director’s kookiness on a scale of -10 to 10, 10 being Kooky (for example, Lynch would be about an 8, Bay would be a -5)
P = Popularity of the movie – the higher the number, the less known it is (if it makes +$100,000,000 then it stays at 1, and goes down .25 for each subsequent $100,000,000. For example, Titanic would be -1.5)
C = Country of origin (USA would be 1 and go from there. Small or little heard of countries like Qatar get 10)
A = Age of movie. For every 10 years, it’s one point. So if a movie was made in 1964, it would be worth 4 points.
DT is a wildcard. It’s the Distance Traveled to see the movie (if not rented).

To put this into play, here is John Ford’s Searhers:

Now, John Ford’s Searchers.

PD = 10 (Not quite a household name, but not unknown, either)
DK = 1 (not sure, he made cowboy movies, so he was probably bad ass. But he also used John Wayne in his movies, so that gets him a little kook)
P = 4 (no data on theatrical, but it made its money back in rentals. if you asked the average person if they heard of this movie, i would say 6 out ten have, thus the 4)
C = 1
A = 5
DT = N/A

10/1 X 4 + 1 + 5 = 46

With a rating of 46, I can recommend Searchers to film students or any other fan of CINEMA*.

(You have to take into consideration genre, too. People who don’t like westerns probably won’t like this as a movie, but he will find shots in it GENIUS.)

Now, on the flipside, let’s take something like Bad Boys. (Note, I made this one before adding age of movie. This was when the formula was in its infancy stages and still being fine tuned.):

PD = -50
DK = -5
P = 1 (while it didn’t make 100,000,000 theatrically, it’s safe to say this is a popular movie)
C = 1
DT = N/A

-50/-5 X 1 + 1 = -9

With a rating of -9, I cannot recommend Bad Boys to film students or any other fan of CINEMA.

Finally, there are wild cards, such as Oscar winners. For this example, I will be using Slumdog Millionaire. Because of its Oscar win, the movie has to be run twice. One for pre-Oscar, one for post.

Slumdog Millionaire – PRE OSCAR

PD = 5 (Not quite a household name, but not unknown, either)
DK = 1
P = 25 (at one point, this movie wasn’t even getting distributed until fox went ahead, iirc)
C = 8 (originally, india wasn’t known for non-bollywood movies)
A = 1
DT = N/A

5/1 X 25 + 8 + 2 = 135

With a rating of 135, I can highly recommend Pre-Oscar Slumdog Millionaire to film students or any other fan of CINEMA.

Slumdog Millionaire – POST OSCAR

PD = -4
DK = 1
P = 1
C = 2 (drop because of its popularity. I can’t explain why, it’s just one of those things. The common excuse would now be “They make all those Bollywood movies. Big deal.”)
A = 1
DT = N/A

-4/1 x 1 + 2 + 1 = -1

With a rating of -1, I can only lightly recommend Post-Oscar Slumdog Millionaire to film students or any other fan of CINEMA. They may enjoy it on some level, but it will certainly be overrated.

 

There you have it. Nerd post of the week. Yet, as dorky as it is, that formula works and I should get that shit published (outside of this blog, of course).

 

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Holy shit I want this placemat.

Play with us forever.

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