Some random things my niece and nephew said on the ride up:

“Mom, you make me want to kill a Mexican child.” — An exasperated Cheyenne to Joy, who would just. not. shut. up.

“Coco, if you do not shut up, I’m going to take out all of your teeth. With a butter knife.” — An exasperated Cheyenne to her brother.

“Try it Cheyenne and I will punch you in the head. With a giant nail.” — Coco’s reply.

There were more I’m forgetting, and I know I laughed over half of them. My niece and nephew rock.

“Is this like the other times you asked me if I wanted to go on a cruise and it falls through?” I replied. The last two occasions she asked me, it didn’t happen (for me) due to situations beyond Joy’s control.

“No, not this time. This time you really get to go.”

“Hmmm. Let me think about it… No.”

“Why not?!?”

“Because I have zero interest in being on a boat for a week,” I said.

“C’mon, go. It will only be for a weekend and the whole family is going. Plus it will be cheaper if you go,” she said. Now we get to the nut of it.

“Okay, just tell me how much it is and when I need to have the money by.”

And that’s how I signed up for a cruise to the Bahamas on the Norwegian Cruise Line.  Boy, what a shitfest NCL turned out to be.

Some port in the Bahamas. Glad to get off the boat.

We arrived in Florida on Friday, June 11th and boarded the big ass ship — I think it was the Spirit, but I can’t be assed to check. After checking in, as we’re about to head to our rooms, we are stopped by someone asking us if we want the unlimited soda package. Now this was a little bit surprising since this was suppose to be an all inclusive deal (sans alcohol). Apparently, though, NCL doesn’t put sodas in their all inclusive package. Awesome.

I passed on it, at first, as my sister said in her previous cruises, juices, tea and water were included. Since I like fruit punch and lemonade, I figured I could go without Mountain Dew for a weekend. I figured wrong once I found out juices were only served at breakfast, the tea sucked and all that left me was water. So I dropped the $21 or so additional for the soda card. Yay, NCL.

Goofing around off the boat.

A major problem with the NCL cruise is there was nothing to do. On all the other cruises Joy has been on (this was her first NCL cruise), she said there was always tons of stuff to do. Shows, games, food, etc. Not here. NCL had one show a day (usually after dinner), the food was lame (nothing exotic to go with the Caribbean motif), the two nicer restaurants that were only open for dinner had the same menu as each other and the “adults only” pool somehow had kids in it more often than not (although one day I will give credit to the lifeguard dude running them out when he could). To add, NCL nickled and dimed you every chance they got. For example, when we were getting on the boat on day one, they took a picture of all of us (which I need to scan once my scanner works). I figured it was a little freebie token to take home. No sir, they wanted $20 for a copy. Really, NCL? Your charge $20 for a picture with your shitty logo all over it, and it really costs you maybe a nickle to print out? Good job. Thumbs up to you, because I bought one.

Me, pops and Coco having a cold one.

Saturday, though, Saturday was pretty bad ass. That’s when we docked at Nassua for the day and got off boat to walk around. We went to this big straw market and did some wheeling and dealing. I picked up a pretty cool Tiki mask for $15. Damn good deal because the vendor started at $40, and we ended up settling on $15. Take note, if you ever go to the straw market, never, ever take the first price. Or second or third. They are willing to deal.

Joy and I up front, Coco and Pops in the back. Classic.

Since it was hot as balls, we hit Senor Frogs for some drinks. I have to say, Senor Frogs was, hands down, the highlight of the trip, mainly because I didn’t feel like I was getting raped every time I pulled out my wallet. I paid $6 for a mixed drink at Frogs that had more liquor in it than what NCL was charging $11 on the boat. $11 at Frogs would have gotten me a yardstick sized drink. I checked NCL’s prices on the same sized drink, but they wouldn’t sell me one because theirs cost two good eyes, and I only have one.

Me, Joy and Pops outside of Senor Frogs.

Sadly, though, we couldn’t stay at Nassau and had to get back on the boat (although I was extremely tempted to just grab a hotel room and fly back from there). We got back on the boat where I went to the casino to lose more money since there was nothing else to do.

The whole gang outside of Senor Frogs.

On Sunday, we went to NCL’s private island. If you wanted a raft or inflatable device, NCL was kind enough to rent them out to you for an extra charge. I had no need for either, since we went on a boat trip around the island checking out sharks and starfish and mantarays. That was pretty badass and worth the money.

I got to hold a Starfish. Don’t be jealous.

I know it probably looks like I had a bad time and, to some degree, I did. And I blame that 100% on NCL and their shitty cruise line. The only thing that saved it being absolutely suicide inducing was my family and my sister’s friends, Shelly and Earnie. They made it bearable (and they thought it was as much suck as I did).

I have little interest in going on another cruise (although Joy said don’t judge all cruises on NCL, since there are ones out there that are actually, you know, fun). I heard Alaskan cruises are the shit, so I’m open to one of those, and I may go on one in the future since I have both friends and family that want to do it.

Me and my nephew, Coco. Really dig this one.

Joy is in the process of planning the next family vacation, this time to a resort (ALL inclusive, including liquor) in the Dominican Republic. I’m really, really down for that since if worse comes to worse I can just be steady drunk. Plus, a few of my friends show a little interest in going, too, and it will be good to have some of my friends to hang out with, too, in addition to my crazy family.

Oh, and most ironic part of this vacation? NCL sent me an email to fill out a survey on how I liked my cruise. When I clicked on the link to gleefully share my opinion, it lead to a broken page.  I hope NCL’s entire fleet sinks. Assholes.

Since I got the box set arrived — in, might I add, a snazzy little case — I’ve been watching an episode or two about every night before I go to bed, and been completely digging it. Ironically, I’ve been enjoying it for reasons I would not have expected because, for all intents and purposes, it doesn’t hold up that well. At all. But it’s still fantastic. Let me explain.

I loved Miami Vice when I it was a young teenager. Loved it. The fast cars, the flashy clothes, the downright awesome soundtrack, hell, the overall slickness of it all. This show was the absolute shit for me in its first run, and I ate up every episode.

Watching it now, having not seen not more than three episodes in 20 years, shows how just incredibly flawed this show was, but ironically enough, it stands as a perfect analogy for the  ’80s. It’s all style, but no substance. As much as I love ’80s music and movies, it was a very selfish and hollow decade, where flash and style were all important, and Miami Vice personifies that like no other TV show I’ve watched from that same era (in recent memory).

The music still rocks…I mean, the songs that show up in the show still surprise me. Peter Gabriel, Genesis, Glenn Fry, Cyndi Lauper, Tina Turner and on and on. Regardless of how you feel about those artists, these cats were HUGE in the ’80s and to have that caliber on a TV show, on a weekly basis no less, is still damn impressive. I suppose Supernatural has the same caliber of music artists, but, at the same time, the songs played on that show are from Warner’s back catalog and rarely anything current (not that I’m complaining).

Also, the guest stars that pop up on Miami Vice is impressive as hell. Some weren’t huge stars at the time, but are definitely more-than-recognizable now and some who are timeless: Michael Madsen, Pam Grier, Ving Rhames, Charles Dutton and Luis Guzman all come to mind immediately (and I’m only in the middle of the second season). And, my personal favorite guest star to date: Julian Beck. He does an amazing cameo as an evil businessman.

Click here to view the embedded video.

Now, even though the music still holds up and the cameos are a lot of fun, those aren’t the reasons I’m watching the show anew and enjoying it. It’s something else altogether…I’m convinced Rico Tubbs (the character) is a goddamn sociopath — not unlike Dexter. While you don’t see him slaughtering people (like you do on Dexter), there is something completely off about Tubbs that just isn’t trustworthy.

In the Dexter novels, and to some degree the show, Dexter talks about how he out of place he feels around people, and how he practices laughing and such to appear normal. He also talks about how he thinks his co-worker, Masuka, could very well be a sociopath like himself because he is so phony (this is more so in the books). And that is exactly how Tubbs is on the show. When he laughs, it’s uncomfortable and surreal because he always seems to laugh too hard at something, as if he’s forcing it. Same when he gets angry…he overdoes it. Now, I’m quite certain that this is just an acting issue probably more than anything else, but watching the show with the mindset that Tubbs is killing people on his days off makes it that much better.

A good example of Tubbs’ creepiness is from the first episode, where he’s at a strip club:

Click here to view the embedded video.

Okay, I can see you acting like that if you are around your goofball friends. But when you’re by yourself? Yeah. Creepy.

Technically, this wasn’t the last day, as we actually flew out the next, but it was the final day of sightseeing and we spent it in Santa Fe.

If you like Southwestern art (which I don’t for my house, but don’t mind to look at), Santa Fe is the place to be. We took one of those bus tours around the city and, apparently, Santa Fe is only second behind New York in United States art sales. This is pretty shocking considering the size of the city, but not so much if you take a tour of it and see all of the art within it.

One of the places we stopped on the tour (where you could get off and look around) was an area where they had an artist that worked with bronze. He (or she) had the creepiest display up with nothing but children.

I didn’t spend much time in that area, as I was convinced those creepy bastards would all come alive at once and eat my innards. There was an Indian statue close by that was pretty damn impressive.

The amount of detail that went into Chief Watching Kids was impressive as hell. And easily one of the cooler things I saw on the tour.

After the tour we went to the Loretto Chapel, home of “the mysterious staircase”. Apparently, back in the day nuns wanted to get to the second level of the church, but had no staircase and, more importantly, no money. So they prayed for some help or whatever and some dude shows up on a burro and tells them he’ll set them up, no charge. He builds this bad ass winding staircase and there’s all kinds of drama as it has no means of support or some such craziness. The staircase was nice, I guess, but it wasn’t as impressive as people made it out to be. Snopes doesn’t think so, either. Needless to say, I took pictures, because that’s what you do on vacation.

After the Chapel, we spent the rest of the day roaming around Santa Fe, shopping, eating and just more-or-less doing what tourists do: Aimlessly wander.

Oh, one last thing I saw I’ve actually seen in B’more, but I never had my camera with me. I’m by no means a big Star Wars fan, but the few times I’ve seen this, I’ve laughed and thought it was great advertising.

Overall, I had a pretty damn amazing week out West, and I’d be up for it again for sure. My dad, aunt and uncle were talking about doing a Northwest vacation in either 2010 or 2011, and I very well may join them. Although I desperately need to get to the UK to meet some friends and California to see some friends sometime here soon.

“HEY!” She answered. “I was just thinking about you. A woman just came in to make arrangements for her brother. ”

If you don’t know by now, Joy is a mortician.

“If you died, I would cry,” she continued.

…

…

“WHAT’S SO FUNNY!?!?!”

It took a minute for me to stop giggling. Joy says the oddest things sometimes.

“Hey! Can your phone get pictures? ”

“Yeah,” I replied. “My new phone can do anything.”

“Okay, loser. I’m going to send you the picture that shows on my phone every time you call.”

Then she hung up. Moments later my phone announced I had a new message. I opened it to see what picture Joy had assigned to me on her phone.

I have to admit that it beats the one I use for her.

I don’t know if this will motivate me to post more, but it certainly can’t hurt.

I’m going on a cruise in a few months, and my sister put it all together. I’m surprised I was even invited, considering what went down a few months ago (another blog, I promise), but needless to say, I was remembered this time.

Anywho, since Joy put everything together, I needed to give her a $100 deposit. I asked if she took paypal, and she said no, which of course sucks because that meant I had to dig out my checkbook and actually write a check. I was surprised that I remembered how to write one, and pleased that I had not forgotten the “For” column on the bottom left.

Now, in case you can’t see that, it says “For being gay.” There are tons of things I would have rather written there, like “For her whorish ways” or “For that night in trailer bathroom”, but since she’ s my sister, that would have been just gross.

After I mailed it, it wasn’t long before I got a text message from Joy letting me know she received the check:

Very funny. I’ll cash that motherfucker. I don’t care.

To which I replied:

You’re lucky it wasn’t for “last night.”

And she was all:

No, you’re lucky it wasn’t for last night, or it would have been more.

…

…

I called her up and told her she won that one. I had nothing I could say to that.

Since I’m sick at home, I figured I’d make your life miserable, too, with an update, and I might as well finish off the vacation from September.

So after the day of the dinosaurs, we had to make our way back to Albuquerque as we were flying out in two days. We left Gallup and got on the road. (One thing of note, the hotel we stayed in the night prior was next to a classic looking Route 66 motel. One day I’m going to take 66 through and through and stay in these motels.)

We had our complimentary breakfast and jumped on 40E for 100 or so miles, when I started noticing billboards for a place we just had to stop. Fortunately for me, my uncle was a big proponent for stopping at this particular establishment. My dad was ho-hum about it, and my aunt was cool as long as we didn’t stay too long. I can’t really blame her, these joints are all over the place, but this particular version of it was a must visit for me.

Yeah, I might have lost $100 at the Route 66 Casino, but it was worth every penny. Plus, I got a couple trinkets for signing up for the player’s club, which also guarantees frequent post cards asking me to come back. Totally worth it.

After about an hour or so at the slots, we piled back in the SUV and kept heading west until we arrived at our next destination: Madrid, New Mexico.

Madrid is a quaint little town about an hour northeast of Albuquerque. Populated by artists and hippies, there is a lot to see in this small town, as it seems every house on its main street is an artist’s shop. I’m not big into art, by any stretch, but Madrid had enough variety to keep me interested.

We had lunch at the Mine Shaft Tavern. I think I might have had a burger to go along with the green chili I had to try. I found their green chili to be okay, but it was no contest for the bowl I had at the Church Street Cafe. Say this, though: The Mine Shaft Tavern had one of the coolest atmosphere’s of all the restaurant’s I ate it on the trip. This is exactly type of bar you expect a cowboy to walk in, and everyone gets quiet. It probably helps that it has the longest stand-up bar in New Mexico.

Oh, and parts of the film Wild Hogs was filmed in Madrid. I hadn’t seen the movie before I went to the town, and I have seen it since. Skip the movie and visit the town.

Like I said, while artsy fartsy towns really aren’t my thing, I’m glad we stopped at Madrid. Hell, I even picked up a cool ass picture inspired by Dia de los Muertos.

We left Madrid and drove about an hour north for our final destination of the day: Santa Fe.

Santa Fe is another big art town in New Mexico. Apparently, this little town is second to New York for art sales in the U.S. (according to the trolley tour we took the next day, anyway).

The thing I liked about Santa Fe is there was more to it than just art. As an obvious tourist city, it had a little something for everyone. There were art stores next to dime stores, and architecturally, it was a pretty slick city just to wander around in.

I don’t remember much about Santa Fe at this point except for three things: The awesome deal my uncle got for us on what was basically a town house ($100 for all four of  us, and everyone got a room — except me who took the couch), the various hats my aunt and uncle were trying on at the dime store and the blowjob Indians being passed off as “art.”

Aaah, good times.

We spent one more day in Santa Fe, but that is another blog. Hopefully one that won’t take three months to get here.

On the fifth day of our Southwest adventure, we were going to hit what I suspect is one of the biggest travel spots Arizona has to offer: The Grand Canyon. We packed our bags, jumped in the car and got on 64E to see what this big hole had to offer.

As you can see from the sign on the left, Arizona is home to GIANT DEER (in addition to the jackalope, of course). I kept my eyes peeled for these freaks of nature during my drive, but sadly these elusive beasts were nowhere to be found.

After about an hour and a half drive, and a brief stop where we picked up our pass to the park (using my dad’s VIP AARP discount, FTW!), we took a drive around the canyon.

Now, let me say, the Grand Canyon is impressive as hell, there is no doubt about it. But I can see where people are coming from when they say Sedona is the better visit. Sedona has an edge over the canyon because Sedona has color, something the canyon is missing. Sure, its sheer size is amazing, but at there is no green to be found. And its all pretty much one shade of brown. To a small degree, the painted desert has slightly more to offer. That’s not to say the Grand Canyon is overrated, but considering what I had seen the days before it, I wasn’t blown away by it. That didn’t stop me from taking a thousand pictures, though.

That picture on the right, that there is the epitome of my trip. That’s Big Les groping at my father, as my aunt Fame completely ignores. Make no mistake, she knows what he’s doing, but after years of living with him, I suspect she just finds it easier to act like everything is normal. Is there any wonder why I used to love spending summers up there as a kid?

Like I said, impressive, sure, but the canyon just doesn’t have the beauty the other places I’d been on this visit. I’m still glad I went, though. I can say I’ve been. And if I didn’t go, that lizard would have been giving some other fool the evil eye.

After we saw all we wanted to see, we hopped back into the car and headed East, back in to the general direction of Albuquerque. We were in no hurry, but that’s where the flights were leaving from in a few days, so we figured we better start going in that general direction.

On the way, my pops and I decided to take a quick jump off the highway to check out Meteor Crater. We had seen the exit on the way out West a couple days before, and we figured what the hell, let’s stop. We paid our $15 and checked out “The first proven, best-preserved meteorite crater on Earth.” That sucker was impressive, and man I’m glad I stopped.

Okay, you can’t see it, but down in that white circle in the center stands a man (not a real man, a man cut out of wood) holding a 6′ tall American flag. The pic on the right with the people kind of gives you a perspective of how huge this crater is. It’s 4,000 feet across. I think you could have like 20 football fields fit into it. It was pretty spectacular.

The last stop we made for the evening was a gift shop just off the highway that offered A FREE PIECE OF PETRIFIED WOOD! (one per car).

Free is free, and they had dinosaurs and Indians outside on their lot. Honestly, how can you resist a store that has dinosaurs AND Indians on their parking lot. You can’t.

So while the rest of my family was in the store checking out the goods and getting their FREE PETRIFIED ROCK, I, like a child, went down to check out the T-Rex and Teepee. I would have certainly regretted it if I didn’t.

Soon enough we left, and headed for parts unknown. We had two more full days left on this jaunt, and we were going to make the most of them, come hell or high water.

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