Today I was an ass…

But, believe me, it was unintentional, and I regret it.

One of my best friends gave me my birthday gift today and I looked like an ungrateful prick when I accepted it.

Now let’s backtrack a bit. Steve and Roman, my coworkers and best friends, have kicked ass when it comes to gifts. Before any of my other friends get in a hussy, you guys kick ass with the gifts, too, but this isn’t about you – that will be another blog. Anyway, for my birthday last year, these two cats got together and bought me an X-Box. That’s the type of friends they are.

Another thing to keep in mind before I go into this is Steve is great at thinking ahead. He’s probably one of the best people I’ve ever worked with because of his ability to see things that, well, just aren’t there (or aren’t there yet) — and planning for them for when they are there.

Me? I’m not quite as good. Hell, I try, but when I’m trying to think what’s going to happen one week down the road, Steve already has the plan for the next year.

So he came in today and called me over to his desk. I knew he had picked me up a CD case from Microcenter for me, so I was expecting that. What I wasn’t expecting was my birthday present. He handed me that as well.

It was this iPod car charger/FM modulator. Basically, you put it all together, plug it into the cigarette lighter, find an unused FM frequency, drop in your iPod and you got your tunes through your car speakers while it’s iCharging.

Well, the look on my face when I saw it originally must have said something because he immediately said, “Dude! You don’t want that!”

“My stereo is an MP3 player.” I said. Still not thinking.

“Not a 40gig one,” he replied.

I looked pretty ungrateful, but it wasn’t that. I was just confused. I felt it was like giving someone a portable CD adapter for their car when their car had a CD player. But I only thought that because I wasn’t thinking ahead. Call me stupid.

Well, good thing Steve was doing the thinking.

When I got to my truck after work, I put it all together, found a frequency on the FM dial and iPowered it up. Oh Lord, is this thing gonna come in handy. Quite simply, it rocks, and I wish I had seen its potential when I first got it.

Put it this way, a CD will hold 750mb of music. My iPod holds 40Gigs. And playlists. I have unlimited iMusic from numerous sources. I should have never have doubted my boy.

So, Steve, I apologize. I apologize a thousand times. I know I said it to you earlier, but here it is for the world to see. I feel like an ass. I should have never have doubted you. Once again you came through with a kick ass gift. And I thank you for it.

It’s rare I post twice the same day…

As a matter of fact, I can’t really remember I time that I have (posting pics doesn’t count).

But what happened today was so funny and so cool that I had to get it out there.

So, kids are on spring break, so every family on the east coast decided to spend time in DC this week. And with complete disregard to those of us that actually have to work. What makes it worse is they obviously never bothered to read my post on the metro rules.

Anyway, I was stuck behind not one, not two, but FOUR families today trying to figure out how to use the metro tickets to go through the gates. Thank God I had my headphones because Iron Maiden was, ironically enough, keeping me fairly calm. Also, I could hear the mumblings of my fellow DC employeed brothers and sisters, so I knew I wasn’t in this Hell alone.

Eventually, they figured out how to put the card through the slot that says “CARD HERE” (with a picture) and the family of 40 started plowing through.

As I was finally going through the gate, one thought went through my mind.

“Fucking tourists.”

Wait a minute. That was verbal. And I don’t sound like a woman.

I turned my head I saw a woman with headphones on, too. Her mouth formed a little “o” because I don’t think she realized she could be heard.

I just busted out laughing.

“Fucking tourists.” She said again.

We both laughed and went to our seperate trains.

That would have been a good ending to a good day if when I got to my truck about 45 minutes later I had my keys.

But, nope, I left them at work.

So when I could have been home by 6, I got home at 8:30.

But you know what? It was still a good day.

Sometimes, some people don’t suck.

Out with the old…

Money can’t buy you happiness.

Who ever said that should be punched in the face.

Then, when they go to the hospital for the concussion I gave them, we’ll see how happy they are when the hospital refuses treatement for not having money.

Money can buy you any damn thing you want. You just have to know how to spend it. The guy who said it can’t buy you happiness was the worst investor ever and should have kept his mouth shut.

You can’t have your cake and eat it to.

Huh? What? Excuse me? What in the fuck, exactly, does that mean?

“Happy Birthday, Johnny! 7 is an important age! Whoa, there, Johnny! What are you doing with that cake? Son, you can’t have your cake and eat it too!”

Sounds like somone should call CPS on mommie or daddy dearest. Dicks.

Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.

Shutup asskisser. Some of my best term papers were written the day they were due.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

I have 3,000 pennies in a jug I started about four years ago. That’s about thirty bucks.

I’ve earned thirty bucks in four years. Yeah, I’ve earned some pennies, but it doesn’t seem to be worth the time invested.

He who laugh last laughs best.

That’s cause he’s an idiot and he still doesn’t know why he’s laughing.

We need better slang or anecdotes or whatever the hell you want to call them. They’re old, they’re dated and they just don’t make any sense anymore.

I’ve come up with a few that you should start using in your day-to-day life. Maybe they’ll catch on and be as popular as the ones above.

If you see OJ, kill him.

You know, if enough people say it, and it becomes popular, someone just might do it. Don’t think it will happen? Tell me you’ve never had a coke and a smile.

A cult always ends up badly.

That one could save you some heartache the next time your new friends want to pass your 13 year old daughter around the commune like the town Harlot — all in the name of Bob. Something to think about.

Don’t jump from high places.

Take it from me, that’s why they have stairs and elevators. No need to hurt yourself.

Now all I have to do is wait for the fuckwad to tell me that may examples aren’t the same as the examples that have been around forever.

Before you do, I don’t give a fuck.

And, on a side note, I’m still dicking around with this Picasa program, so here is a kick ass picture of me and Steve f’ing Railsback (not to be confused with Lance f’ing Henrickson).

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Go figure…

I am one of the people I write about. The other day I did something so damn asinine, I decided to write a blog about it. But I am going to write it as if I saw someone else doing what I was doing.

For the slower ones out there, whenever I refer to the “guy,” it’s me. This next part is all me.

I call it…

The wind beneath that ass’s brush…

The other day was beautiful. Simply beautiful. It was a perfect day to set the cruise control, turn down the windows, turn up the radio and drive. A taste of spring was in the air, and since it’s been awhile since I’ve been able to throw down the windows more than an inch.

But not that day. No sir. It was so nice, both windows were down. And I was cruising a steady 70. Good times.

As I was driving, I noticed a guy up ahead of me had his windows down, too. Right on, my brother! Appreciate the day! It will be another couple weeks before we see another day like this, so live it up!

Then I saw what he was doing—or rather, what he was trying to do.

Brush his hair.

I wanted to roll up parallel to him and yell at the window…

“HEY DUMBASS! YOUR WINDOW IS DOWN! WIND IS COMING IN THE CAR, BLOWING YOUR HAIR! BRUSHING YOUR HAIR IN THE WIND DOES NO GOOD!

Dumb ass.

People are stupid.

So there it is. I was trying to brush my hair with both windows rolled down and having a time with it.

Go figure.

The Hand of God and the Vatican

At the end of Stephen King’s The Stand, there is this great scene where the “hand of God” comes down from the heavens, touches a nuclear warhead and Las Vegas is destroyed.

I wish that would happen to Vatican City… if only for the irony.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing at all against God. I’ve even been known to pray on a few occasions. Well, not really “known to pray” because, for me, praying is a private thing. But, the point is, I love God and I hate the church.

I’ve always disliked organized religion, but it’s only recently that I’ve really started to hate the Vatican — in particular the Pope and his flunkies. Seriously, when will this assclown die?

Wait. Wait. Wait.

Yes, I want the Pope dead. But he’s lucky. Usually, I wish cancer and/or Aids on people I wish dead. He’s just getting the death wish — quick and painless is fine. Just die already. Seriously. I’m tired of every time this cat opens his mouth, nothing but hate spews first.

Among other things, he’s compared abortion to the holocaust in the same breath. Let’s be realistic, regardless of what you feel about abortion, it’s not comparable to the holocaust. For one, like it or not, an embryo is not a human. Yes, it’s life, but a thinking, functioning human it is not. And to compare it to the pain and torture of the Jews, gypsies, homosexuals and other groups went through is deplorable.

He’s also considers gay marriage “evil.” Nice one, asshole. I can really tell you are living up to the bible’s teachings of brotherly love. How in the fuck does it affect you who a man or woman marries? I mean, other than the fact you don’t like it. And the irony is, the church is so good at damning things like homosexuality and abortion, but at the same time they are accepting of pedophilia.

That’s right. You heard me. The church accepts pedophilia.

How many times have child molesting priests been moved from one town to another to protect the church from scandal? I’m betting that’s a number we will never know.

And, at one time, the church told law enforcement that they would not release the names of suspected/known pedophiles — they would handle the incidents internally.

Excuse me?

Huh?

Who in the fuck do you think you are?

It is not your job to handle the “incidents” — either internally or, well, AT ALL! This is not theft of office supplies. But hey, I understand. You don’t want the bad press. Just remember, tolerance is acceptance. And, believe me, you are only fooling yourselves if you think your are not just tolerating it.

Now, to get on track, back to the pope.

Seriously dude, just die. It would be one thing if you were a crazy man on the street preaching hate. But millions of people, for some reason, revere you as if you speak for God. Which, man, I pray that you don’t. If you do, we are all in for a shitty afterlife. Because your God is a bastard and I don’t want to be part of him.

One day, I hope the Hand of God introduces itself to the Vatican.