Archive for December, 2015

I take the metro to work every day, and when I’m not reading or watching TV shows on my Kindle, I like to play a game I call, “Guess the Serial Killer.” It’s exactly what you think it is. I pick out the person on my train who is most likely the serial killer and come up with how they go about their business and what they do with their victims.

More than a month ago, I was playing that game while in the middle of a text conversation with one of my friends. She is aware of this game I play, and I told her should anything happen to me, look for the guy who looks like Reverend Kane from Poltergeist 2. That’s this guy for those who don’t know:

Reverend Kane

This motherfucker terrifies me.

Anywho, my friend texts me a reply, demanding a picture of Serial Killer Kane. Of course, I oblige. I get comfy, pull up my phone, open up the camera, line it up, get the focus, and snap the picture.

Oh, you see what I didn’t do? TURN OFF THE FUCKING SOUND. Serial Killer Kane looked right at me.

But I didn’t panic! I have ice water in these veins, buster. I’m a quick thinker. Without missing a beat, I took another picture, then another one, all the while making faces. I made like I was taking selfies until he looked out the window.

Crisis averted, and I get to live another day.

Quick thinking.

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Don’t let that title fool you. This isn’t going to be a post about how my body has started falling apart the moment I turned 40 (although it has). This is more of a piece on how something made me happy recently, and it’s ridiculous because I’m old. That something? A new vacuum cleaner.

For a while now, I’ve been thinking about replacing (or at least upgrading) my vacuum cleaner to a new one. My current one was pretty bad ass when I bought it. I know I got it on clearance because a newer model was coming out, but it was a spectacular deal for a damn decent vacuum. I think I paid like $40 for it, when it retailed for like $100. But that was like 10 years ago.

So, last Wednesday, Amazon this Hoover on sale for $65. I checked Camel Camel Camel, this great site that tells you Amazon price history (thanks, James!), to see if it was a good deal for real (and it was, it’s $100 right now), and then I ordered it. Expected delivery was today.

And here’s where the “I am old” part comes in. I actually looked forward to the new vacuum. The reviews were solid, and I know that my current one just doesn’t have the suction it should. I was eager to check it out. So eager, in fact, that every time I heard a stupid truck going by my house today, I went to the door. And when the post man finally drove up, I ran outside like a child eager to open his presents on Christmas day. I must be part ninja because when I came up to the postman’s jeep, I scared him. He goes, “You must be real excited about this Hover.”

“Uh…yeah.” I had nothing. Because his sarcasm was appreciated and pretty spot on. I was unnecessarily excited about a stupid vacuum cleaner.

I took the box, unpacked it, put the vacuum together, and proceeded to put it to the test. Now I vacuum about once a week anyway, and I just vacuumed a few days ago because I had dropped some chips, but holy shit, yeah, I was long overdue for a new one. This sucker showed a noticeable difference to my rug, and it was picking up far too much stuff for a rug that I had just vacuumed a few days prior.

But there’s no reason for being as excited as I was for a stupid vacuum cleaner. I have no excuse for it except I might be 70.

 

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