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Why is it that women are compelled to “remain friends” after a relationship is oh-so-obviously over?

About a month or so ago, my phone rang. My house phone. Now, 99% of the time I don’t even bother getting up to answer that one because 99% of the time it’s someone I don’t want to talk to. My friends have my cell number. They know that’s the one to call. But, honestly, I don’t answer that one 99% of the time, either. I just hate talking on the phone. Case in point, my friend left the following message:

“Why in the fuck do you bother to have a cell phone if you never answer it, or even make phone calls from it?”

I honestly don’t know because she’s right.

Anyway, back on track, the phone happened to be right next to me, so I glanced at the caller id (that is something I do 100% of the time, regardless of which phone it is).

It was my ex-girlfriend.

I threw the phone across the couch and quickly stood up to make a break for the door. Yeah, that doesn’t make much sense. I kind of realized that when my hand gripped the doorknob.

I haven’t talked to my ex in well over a year and a half. We broke up over three years ago. And the only reason I talked to her after we broke up was I had co-signed a car for her. dumb. dumb. DUMB. After the car was finally in her name, I was free and clear of both.

To make it clear, very clear, I have no bad feelings to the ex. She easily treated me better than anyone I dated. The breakup was a little, no, a lot fucked up (on her end), but in the big picture, she was a good girlfriend. I won’t ever date her again, I’ve moved way the hell on, but seeing the number on the ID freaked me the hell out. What the hell did she want?

The answering machine kicked in…

“Hey Stewie, it’s your ex (she said her name). Just wanted to see how you were doing. Give me a call!”

What the fuck?

It’s been almost two years. What the hell are we going to talk about? The Redskins? My job? Her first victim? Hell, in my mind, there’s nothing to say.

So I did what I usually do in these situations. I turned to the females I knew for a translation, and they all, more or less, said the same thing–the ex wants to see how I was doing.

Goddammit.

Listen ladies, when you break up with a man, he doesn’t want to be your friend. He doesn’t want to be your confidant. He doesn’t want to talk to you about your job, your problems, your new boyfriends or basically anything. He wants you to go away. There’s nothing more to say.

And you women don’t get it. We don’t WANT to be your friend. You took away teh sex. When asked to have teh sex, you tell us it will complicate things now that there is no more relationship. Well maybe for YOU. So, if you take away teh sex, what’s left for us? Hell, speaking for myself, I have enough female friends that aren’t having sex with me. I don’t want one more.

I remember once, during our relationship, the ex asked me if we broke up, would I still be friends with her.

“No,” I immediately replied. Hell, I didn’t even think about it. I just said it.

“What?!? Why not?!?” She said, exasperated.

“Why? What’s the point? I don’t want to be friends with someone I dated.”

“Not ever? Not even after a year?”

I was already done with the conversation because I knew it wouldn’t get better. “Okay,” I conceded, “maybe I’d talk to you again after a year.”

I should have left it at no.

*on a somewhat related note, freak, no negative comments about the ex. I know you don’t like her, and I know why. I don’t bad mouth her and, as my friend, you shouldn’t either. At least not around me. You are free to do it wherever else you please.*

  • I actually really liked her. I just don’t like seeing you hurt. If it weren’t for THAT, hell, I’D be friends with her. Can’t be NOW, because she’d always be asking me about YOU, thanks A LOT!!

    I apologize if you ever thought I thought or talked bad about her. I didn’t mean to. She was pretty cool.

  • Ace

    Amen to everything you said, brother.

    My first gf broke up with me, and said “We can still be friends, right?” And I answered, “We weren’t friends before.”

    And just once, I tried to be friends with an ex-gf, and she told me to go to hell, basically. See, I knew better.

  • I typically don’t talk to any ex-girlfriends–unless you count those relationships that die hard.

    I mean, you gotta love the sex after you’ve broken up but still haven’t finished beating that horse.

  • I tried e-mailing an ex once to see ‘what was up’. It became apparent pretty quickly that if I kept in touch, what was up would be him, so I jettisoned that friendship pretty quick.

    Conversely, an ex-friends-with-benefits contacted me out of the blue a few years ago. He was now married, and made it his mission to get me dating again (ok, not ‘dating’–this is a guy we’re talking about), and eventually introduced me to the guy I’m married to now.

    So, maybe you can be friends if there were never any (acknowledged) emotional feelings…

  • Arg… I hate that. And you know what? These girls that want to be your friend now stop calling and stop wanting to be your friend when you get married. So much for BFF’s, right? They become outright hostile when you tell them you are getting married. So, even though their sick little minds can’t admit it, there’s more to it than, ‘just being friends’ even if nothing else happens in the after-relationship.

    Nutbags, all of them.

  • Women stop calling after you’re married because they’re afraid your new WIFE will beat the shit out of them, or at the very least, make life hell for you.

  • ace – i’m confused, if you knew better, why did you ask to be friends? Didn’t she know better? or were you just throwing it out there?

    aric – teh breakup sex is the best.

    mero – i agree. it is easier if there aren’t acknowledged feelings. but, like i said, i don’t need any more female friends unless sex is involved. hell, i’m trying to get rid of the friends i have, male and female.

    renaldo – exactly. they are mad that you moved on. YOU AREN’T SUPPOSED TO MOVE ON EVER!!1111!11ONE

    freak – they should stop calling when you break up. maybe next time i break up, i’ll buy a bride.

  • what a great post. Thank you. I was just about to zabasearch an old boyfriend, just to see (ironically), what the hell he was up to. But because you are a guy – and so obviously you would know.. I’ll just set that thought by the wayside!!

    Norm!

    p.s. good god! You should see the book I have to type for the word verification: qbsmcmkilpe

  • Women stop calling after you’re married because they’re afraid your new WIFE will beat the shit out of them, or at the very least, make life hell for you.

    Not true at all. They’re not afraid of her when she’s a girlfriend. When she’s just a girlfriend, anything can happen and they imagine there are doors open to them that are not. With marriage, all those doors and sick little fantasies are closed, and they become angry.

    It has to do with some girls living in a fantasy world; and like Stewie said, you’re not supposed to move on, ever. Worst of all, you’re not supposed to have been in a better relationship than you had with them, because that also crushes too many fantasies.

  • I am not friends with ANY of my ex’s for a reason.

    If I went to the trouble to call them to “just see how they were doing”, I’d be wanting something tangible for taking THAT dive.

    It would probably be some of that break up sex that Stewie is so fond of >:).