And if she ain’t there, you’re wasting my time…

My buddy told me about a month ago that he’s going to be a father. Twins even.

My first response (after the congrats, of course) was:

“Dude, don’t email me any fucking pictures. I don’t want daily updates. I don’t want weekly updates. I don’t want monthly updates. I’ll see the kids when I see them. Don’t clutter up my email box.”

He laughed. He’s a guy. He understood.

Let me tell you parents something, single guys don’t give a shit about the baby pictures. We put up a good face. We act like we care. We don’t.

Just so we are keeping score, and there is no confusion:

Single guys do not want their email boxes filled up of baby’s first Christmas.

Or baby’s first steps.

Or baby’s first, well, first any fucking thing.

Don’t email pictures of the kid. We don’t want to see them.

Now I know that sounds harsh, but we aren’t women. We don’t do the “awwwwwww” when we see the little rugrats on Santa’s lap. The only thing we look for in the “baby’s first pic with Santa” is the hot little Santa’s helper. And if she ain’t there, you’re wasting my time.

Contrary to popular belief, I like kids. I want to have them. But that doesn’t mean I want to look at them.

Email those pics to your girlfriends.

And don’t get me started on the family photo albums.