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My buddy told me about a month ago that he’s going to be a father. Twins even.

My first response (after the congrats, of course) was:

“Dude, don’t email me any fucking pictures. I don’t want daily updates. I don’t want weekly updates. I don’t want monthly updates. I’ll see the kids when I see them. Don’t clutter up my email box.”

He laughed. He’s a guy. He understood.

Let me tell you parents something, single guys don’t give a shit about the baby pictures. We put up a good face. We act like we care. We don’t.

Just so we are keeping score, and there is no confusion:

Single guys do not want their email boxes filled up of baby’s first Christmas.

Or baby’s first steps.

Or baby’s first, well, first any fucking thing.

Don’t email pictures of the kid. We don’t want to see them.

Now I know that sounds harsh, but we aren’t women. We don’t do the “awwwwwww” when we see the little rugrats on Santa’s lap. The only thing we look for in the “baby’s first pic with Santa” is the hot little Santa’s helper. And if she ain’t there, you’re wasting my time.

Contrary to popular belief, I like kids. I want to have them. But that doesn’t mean I want to look at them.

Email those pics to your girlfriends.

And don’t get me started on the family photo albums.

  • thecurryfish

    actually, contrary to popular believes, not all girls like looking at other people’s babies’ pictures either~ ha

  • What about cats pictures? Can I email you cat pictures when I move out?

  • thecurryfish – Thank God. There should be some sort of letter campaign.

    Freak – only if it’s pictures of their rotting corpses, preferably with tire marks still visible.

  • The babybloggers are on my list too. Right after the poembloggers and the catbloggers. Grrrrrr…

    Oh and add me to the list of girls who don’t go gaga over baby pics. Especially if the baby resembles Uncle Fester in a dress. I hate when I’m forced to look at baby pics because then I’m also forced to say things like “wow! She looks like she’s got a lot of character!”

    I don’t have any kids (none that I know of, at least) but if I did, I’d only pass around pics of them in shirts like this: http://www.tshirthell.com/babyhell.shtml#babyhell

    My particular favorite is “All Mommy wanted was a backrub!”

  • Oh God, the baby bloggers.

    Ug.

    I saw one cool baby blog once (I would probably have appreciated it more if I were a parent). Anyway, the blog was a diary of a mother to her child. She were writing in it as if she were talking to the child.

    “Today you took your first steps. You fell after three blah blah blah.”

    There was some humor in it, too.

    Best part? No pics.

    Just a flat out diary for when the kid got older.

    And I love the link. I know where to go to buy ALL of my kid’s shirts. I swear I hope I marry someone cool who’ll put up with that sort of thing.

  • Renaldo

    Babies are ugly and sticky, I don’t care what anybody says.

  • aricblue

    Oh dude, it’s like blood in the water! You shouldn’t have told me. Expect that mailbox of yours to be full of pics of my kid! And new daily blog pics of him!

    Whoo hoo!

  • Renaldo – exactly.

    Aric – do it. I’ll post phone numbers everywhere, starting with ebay. 😀

  • Mr. MeHoff

    Just make sure your friends with kids let you know you’ll babysit them when they’re cute enough. Kids and puppies are chick-magnets, but a kid can learn to crap so you don’t have to pick it up.

    And if you do ever reproduce (scary as that thought may be), I’ll buy your kids those shirts. Then I’ll teach them s**t to do to you that will mess with you for life. Because of the love of course.