Yesterday, Norman posted a blog about how she was frustrated with her husband not pulling his share when it comes to taking care of the kids. Read the blog, I think Norman had some valid points.

One of the things Norman was mad about was her husband didn’t wake up when one of the kids tried to wake him to take care of the monster in the closet. Part of me didn’t think he can be blamed entirely if he’s a heavy sleeper and just didn’t here the kid trying to wake him. I was going to post that thought in the comments, but fuck me, I didn’t want to take a chance with all the man hating going on in the comment field.

One of the things I noticed is a few of the stay-at-home mom’s were bitching that their husbands didn’t do their share.

Well, goddammit, he shouldn’t have to. His share is going to work and providing the money for the house, the food, the cars. Your share is taking care of the kids, keeping a clean house and having dinner ready.

And I feel the exact same way if it’s a stay-at-home dad. It doesn’t matter if the parent at home is the wife or the husband.

It amazed me that some of the commenters expected their husbands to work 40 plus (assuming it’s full-time) a week, and then come home and do 50/50 of the taking care of the kids. Fuck. That. It’s not like he’s not contributing, I mean, hell, you do have a place to live, right? Food? Electricity? Medical insurance? Believe me, he’s contributing.

Hell, and you have it lucky. He has to work with assholes all day. Granted, your kids may act like little assholes sometimes, but not every day. Not to mention the commute, the bosses, the customers, etc. Every job, be it the one at the home or the one away from home, has it’s ups and downs. Deal with it.

Let me make something clear — I side with Norman. She works full-time, as does her husband. The late night wakeups should be 50/50 and she should crack her hubby in the ass if she feels like he’s not pulling his share.

But to the stay-at-home parents (be it moms or dads) who expect 50/50, you are out of your fucking mind. Completely. I realize raising a family and running a house is a full-time job, but it’s your full-time job. If you don’t think you can handle the responsibility without fucking bitching about it, talk to your significant other about making different arrangements.

  • Oh my… i’m – FEATURED!

    Heh. You could have posted whatever you wanted. It would have made for a HELLUVA good time in the comments section!

    I would like to say, I stayed at home for about a year with our first baby. I did all the nighttime chores without a peep of complaint. The reason? Because – he was working hard so I could stay at home. My contribution would be all things domestic. But then, when HE lost his job, and I had to go back to work, the nighttime duty thing never changed hands. And he stayed at home with her for a year. I was freaking TIRED! ‘Cause I don’t know if you know this, but a lot (not all, but a lot) of 2 yr olds still find some reason to wake up in the middle of the night.

    Also – after our son was born, I had to wake up with him at night – AND work full time, AND take care of the older child. While he played video games. So we split up. But we did the counseling thing and worked everything out. He still backslides now and then, and if I’m VERY tired (like I was cause of the kids being sick), I’m less likely to deal with it, because I still remember all the past crap. (Even though I know you’re supposed to get past it, that’s a hard thing to do).

    I agree that if you are a stay-at-home mom/dad, it’s not ‘right’ that the out-of-home working parent should wake up at night for the child. That duty should then fall to the parent that stays at home, simply because it’s much harder to stay awake during the day when you are sitting at a desk. But it WOULD be nice if the working parent would cut the stay at home a break once or twice and take over the duty on the weekends.

    NORM!

  • aricblue

    I think the woman should be barefoot and in the kitchen–note: NOT pregnant. We can substitute NAKED for PREGNANT.

    That’s the way it should be. I’m old fashioned like that.

    (today’s chauvinistic message was brought to you by BALLOON–The Greatest Silicon Implant Creator on the market)

  • But then, when HE lost his job, and I had to go back to work, the nighttime duty thing never changed hands.

    See, that’s when he should have picked it up and started fulfilling his responsibilities. It goes both ways (or, at least, should).

    aric – preach it!

  • I agree with you for the most part, but think the husband should share SOME of the child-rearing duties when he gets home. After all, he gets a break from work, so should she.

    I remember growing up, my mother worked a full-time job, came home and cooked and did the laundry. She was like uber superwoman. I don’t think I could live up to her if I have kids.

  • I’m not saying he shouldn’t contribute at all, but to expect 50/50, as some of the commenters were suggesting, is flat out retarded.

    After all, he gets a break from work, so should she.

    Stay-at-home parents get breaks.

  • Stay-at-home parents get breaks

    BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    hooo boy!! That was funny! Thanks for the laugh!!

    NORMAN!

  • GG

    Yeah, but I spose the working parent works 8-6 or whatever outside the home (giving a couple of hours for the commute)and then is finished, the stay-at-home parent works 8-6 inside the home but then potentially doesn’t get a break. I agree that housework is probably part of the stay-at-home parents remit, but childcare in the evenings – I’d say 50/50. And it’s maybe worth bearing in mind that sometimes the division of labour isn’t through choice so much as through who earns most so a bit of give and take is always a good thing.

  • Norman, so you are saying stay-at-home parents work from sun up to sun down with absolutely no break? I call bullshit.

    GG, I think the stay-at-home parent actually has the better gig. I’m not talking about workload (as I’ve said, I realize it’s a job), I’m talking about payoff. The stay-at-homer gets to spend more time with the child, and experience things with the kid the working parent does not. Childcare in the evenings, the stay-at-homer still should take the majority of it. Including ALL of the, say, past the 11pm stuff.

    I’m not saying the stay-at-homer doesn’t deserve a break, everyone does, but the comments in Norman’s blog were refuckingdiculous. I stress “comments” because I don’t think Norman was wrong to be angry.

    Her following blog however, where she said she won’t tell her hubby why she’s mad, is another issue. 🙂

  • OH!MY!GAWD!

    I, thought I was gonna like you. Thought. Thought. Thought….

    Nope, can’t even justify getting myself worked up over this before bedtime.

  • lol

    Go read the comments if you haven’t already. It was manhating central.

    As I said, my feelings apply to both men and women–depending on who the stay at home parent is.

    Don’t think of the blog as a “women should be in the kitchen” entry because it’s not. It’s more of a “stop your irrational bitching” entry.

    I stand by every word I wrote, in both the entry and the comments.

  • it’s okay to stand by “every word you wrote.” Just don’t believe it’s okay to think you know what it is like to be a stay at home parent when you have never done it before. I did read the comments and don’t agree that it was about man hating. And you may not believe women should be in the kitchen but you haven’t a clue how much of a challenge it is to take care of kids 24 hours a day, keep the house clean and get dinner on the table. Oh goodness knows my husband it slowly learning that I am not a maid. I am a parent. That is my first concern. ANything else is a bonus. That includes cleanliness and food.

  • I never once implied that being a stay-at-home parent is not a job. I fully realize that it is.

    But the assumption is made (and a wrong one) that the working parent has it easier. Both have good days, both have bad days.

    You telling me that I have no clue of how much of a challenge it is to take care of kids is the same thing as me telling you that you have no clue on how challenging my job is. Both are assumptions. However, I won’t tell you that you have no clue on what I do at work because I don’t know you and I won’t make an assumption on the things you’ve done in your life.

    If I were married with kids, and my wife stayed home, does that make my work harder than hers? Of course not. And, like I said, she has a better gig because her payoff is higher. Do I expect her to do the majority of the housework? Yes. Do I expect her to do most of the diaper changing? Yes. Am I expected to do the same if I am the stay-at-home? Absolutely.

    As far as you not seeing the comments as manhating, I can’t force you too. My male friends read them, and laughed. A couple of my female friends read them and thought the same as I. They are there. If you don’t see them, I can dig it. But if other women can, I know that I’m not out of my mind.

  • Do I expect her to do the majority of the housework? Yes. Do I expect her to do most of the diaper changing? Yes. Am I expected to do the same if I am the stay-at-home? Absolutely.

    What you do at work is work. What the sahp does is work. Now the problems arise when the working parent comes home and assumes that the day is over. It is far from over. There is homework to be done, dinner to be cooked, more cleaning to be accomplished, baths to be had, bed times to be enforced. That is the problem many sahp’s have. Because they are usually forced to do this all by themselves. And the working parent? Usually kicking it on the couch.

    So a working parent may put in a 40 hour week but a sahp gets in many more hours (haven’t you heard it is the equivalent of working 2 full time jobs?) And the payoff? Yes, we get our share of hugs, kisses and great memories, but in so many ways the pay really stinks. Have you ever tried to purchase a new top without the food and dried up milk stains by explaining to the cashier that all you have is some memories to pony up?

  • I’ve actually had this very conversation via email with one of the commenters here.

    I don’t consider the bathtimes/homework times/tuck into bed times work in the sense of something that shouldn’t be done by both parents, regardless. That’s bonding with the kids.

    The night time crys, however, sahp takes it. No questions asked (unless, of course, there are health issues). This should be a non-issue.

    And the working parent? Usually kicking it on the couch.

    Well, I guess my mom married a good man because he was always involved in my life, not “kicked up on the couch.”

    Maybe that’s why I don’t see the bathtimes/homework times/tuck into bed times as work, but as part of the family experience. Because it was something my father did with me (and he was the worker bee). If you (you in general, not you in particular) don’t have the same, don’t bitch about it, do something about it.

    If you (this time meaning you, not the general) don’t like the pay, there are options. Talk to your husband about you working and him being the sahp. Then you will have the pay (as in coin) and wouldn’t have the stress.

  • awww, I would love to be the working person in the family. He wouldn’t and couldn’t handle it. Not a chance in the world would he go for it. Besides he is a self practicing attorney who believes golf is part of a work day 😉

    Night time cries are for both parents to handle. Have you ever been sleep deprived because of children? Wait, do you even have children?

  • No, I don’t have kids. And you should stop there because you are dangerously close to putting your foot in your mouth.

    KT, what do you want to hear? What is it that you are looking for? What is your point?

    You say it’s work, I agree with you. You say it’s hard, I agree with you. What do you want to hear from me? Tell me as the suspense is killing me.

    You say your husband can’t handle it, and oh how I love that argument. I feel bad for him because I see the type. He’s oh so lucky to have you, right?

    You are a stay at home mom. Good for you. Are you looking for a medal? Because you aren’t doing anything special. I know this may come to a shock, but I’m fairly certain that a man can certainly raise children as well as a woman. And that includes your husband.

  • And you should stop there because you are dangerously close to putting your foot in your mouth. Cummon, it is you who has stuck his foot in his mouth. Therefore, I should be allowed to do the same, doncha think?

    You answered the only question I needed answered. You have no children, therefore you have no knowledge in that category.

    You say your husband can’t handle it, and oh how I love that argument. I feel bad for him because I see the type. He’s oh so lucky to have you, right? My husband has declared for himself that there is no way he would be able to stay at home with the kids. Lucky to have me? Damn right. What married couple goes through life thinking that they aren’t fortunate to have their spouse. Mind you this also means I am lucky to have him.

    You are a stay at home mom. Good for you. Are you looking for a medal?
    A medal? LOL, nope. That was never my point. Understand that my purpose for engaging in this conversation was to point out that you have to walk a mile in the shoes of a stay at home parent before you can form opinions.

    In the mean time I do not need anything from you or this conversation. When you have children I know you will think differently on many, many things. Until then I would try hard not to judge (oh and catch up on sleep because you’re gonna need it.)

  • Cummon, it is you who has stuck his foot in his mouth. Therefore, I should be allowed to do the same, doncha think?

    Where?

    You answered the only question I needed answered. You have no children, therefore you have no knowledge in that category.

    See, that’s gold.

    Answer this, does one need to have children of their own to raise them?

    It’s a yes or no question.

    Understand that my purpose for engaging in this conversation was to point out that you have to walk a mile in the shoes of a stay at home parent before you can form opinions.

    You are basing your entire knowledge of me on one blog (or maybe a few). Do you understand how asinine that is? Especially making the assumptions you are making.

    You are eating a plate of crow, and you don’t even realize it.

  • Whaaat?

    I have made no assumptions about you as a person. But as a parent, well since you have no children then I can’t see where you can call yourself one.

    So you do or you don’t have children? Walking, talking, breathing 2 legged creatures that call you dad. Or even step children that you have been responsible for since day one?

    Does one need to have children of their own to raise them? No, Mr. Attorney.

  • So you do or you don’t have children? Walking, talking, breathing 2 legged creatures that call you dad. Or even step children that you have been responsible for since day one?

    No. Obviously I have to spell it out for you.

    No, I do not.

    But that does not mean I do not have experience. I guess in your world, it does.

    Stewie Redrum, Esq.

  • oh well then the question you asked above makes more sense.

    You don’t know until you’ve been there.

  • LOL

    Your argument is basically that unless you have someone calling you mom or dad, you don’t know what’s like to raise a child.

    Can you comprehend how many other factors you are leaving out?

    Maybe someone who raised a nephew? A niece? A sibling?

    On a side note, how can their be male gynecologists? They don’t have vaginas.

    Are you bitter for having kids and are displacing your anger on me? There’s a lot of sadness in your posts, and I think you need a hug.

  • oh my..

  • who ever in the world said I am angry or bitter. LOL. There is no displacement of anything. Nor sadness. That is really funny. Perhaps ’tis you who needs the hug?

    No, you can not comprehend what it is like to raise a child unless you have children. Whether they are biological or not if you are not their primarly care taker from birth until they move out then you can’t possible comprehend. Sure, if someone raises a neice or a nephew from childhood onward then they are likely to discover the same challanges as those raising their own biological children. But lets not mistake this as the same as a niece or nephew staying for a short period of time because their parents are in need of some sort of rehab (or whatever).

    How many factors am I leaving out? The idea that someone can be a parent without having biological children? I promise you that those who are primary caregivers for children not their own (nieces, step children, foster children) do know what it is like to be a parent to an EXTENT.

    The same as you can’t comprehend what emotions you feel the second your child is born. It’s a whole different world.

  • Wait, wait, wait.

    Are you saying that only biological parents know what it’s truly like to be a parent?

  • oh NOOOO!!!!

  • oh geez, good grief not at all.

  • How many factors am I leaving out? The idea that someone can be a parent without having biological children? I promise you that those who are primary caregivers for children not their own (nieces, step children, foster children) do know what it is like to be a parent to an EXTENT.

    Your words.

  • my words is that they “do know what it is like to be a parent to an EXTENT.”

    helloooo?

  • So, you are saying that only biological parents know what it’s truly like to be a parent, right?

    It’s yes or no.

  • no it isn’t yes or no. I think you don’t have children because you already feel like it is your humane obligation to parent people you don’t know.

    “It’s yes or no”

    I think this conversation should be halted until you are official parent. Either by marriage, adoption or biologically. Then you can talk.

  • I think you don’t have children because you already feel like it is your humane obligation to parent people you don’t know.

    LOL

    There are people who would agree with that.

    I think this conversation should be halted until you are official parent. Either by marriage, adoption or biologically. Then you can talk.

    Nice job skirting the answer.

    But your non-answer is an answer.