Warning: in_array() expects parameter 2 to be array, string given in /home/content/A/l/i/AlienRedrum/html/blog/wp-content/plugins/wordpress-mobile-pack/frontend/sections/show-rel.php on line 37

I was tagged by freakmagnet to describe my perfect partner in eight requirements.

Since I already did this awhile back, this is just a slightly edited of what I posted before. I took out “Above average height” to meet the requirement. Nothing much else has changed.

Red hair – There is nothing finer than a gorgeous redhead. And, when I say red hair, I mean red hair. Not dyed. I want the whole red head package. Grrr baby.

No friends – Let’s face it, guys don’t like your single friends. None of them. None of those nosy women telling you how I should treat you. 9 times out of 10, your single friends are bitter and want you to go out and meet guys with them. So, they take every chance they get to tell you how wrong I am for you. Jealous, petty and childish, there is a reason why these friends are single. The ONLY exceptions to this rule is if the friend is my best friend’s girlfriend. Then, if they break up, you stop talking to her. The other exception is if my best friend is single, you must find a friend for him. Then, if they break up, you stop speaking to your friend because she’s such a bitch for leaving my buddy.

A smoker – I’m a smoker. I don’t plan on stopping. I don’t want to be nagged about stopping. My next girlfriend will either be a smoker or someone who doesn’t care if she dates a smoker. Who am I kidding? She’ll be a smoker.

Parents are either dead or live in another country – I have a hard enough time dealing with my mother. I don’t need to deal with yours.

Deaf – Okay, maybe not deaf. But none of this selective hearing bullshit, either. You either hear me or you don’t. Nothing in between.

Short-term memory – I don’t need to hear about shit I said to you in 1986.

A sense of humor – I want you to laugh at my farts and call me a dumbass for being so crude.

A high self-esteem – I’ve had female friends long before I met you and I’ll probably have them long after you leave. Deal with it. Also, I do not want to hear how fat or how skinny or how unattractive you think you are. Nothing is a bigger turn-off than a woman begging for attention. Hey, I’m a fat-ass, but I never once said “Golly, I need to lose weight.” Why? Because I don’t give a shit what other people think because I am better than them.

A need to be alone, sometimes – We don’t need to be together 24/7.

Freak already tagged the people I would have. So no tags from me.

  • You’re so hateful.

    No wonder you’re single.

    Want a couple dollars so you can order yourself a Russian bride?

  • Obviously you haven’t read the forum in a while. I have a russian bride in the works. 🙂

    If that doesn’t pan out, I’m going vietnamese.

  • Won’t your Real Doll get jealous?

  • If that doesn’t pan out, I’m going vietnamese.

    You and Ace?

  • Lesley – I’ll just put that bitch in the closet. She won’t give me any shit. She’s perfect like that.

    Renaldo – Ace’s monkey fetish is a little too much for me. Plus he’s too Americanized.

  • Oh man. If I wasn’t already married- I’d be heartbroken that I COULD NEVER BE THIS WOMAN!

    You can ask my husband. I have an elephant brain. I can repeat word for word something he said to me YEARS later. It drives him NUTS!

    LOL!!

    norman!

  • Ace

    You and Ace?

    Oh, dear Lord. Leave me out of this.

    Renaldo – Ace’s monkey fetish is a little too much for me. Plus he’s too Americanized.

    I don’t like monkeys THAT WAY. But I don’t like Stewie THAT WAY, either.

    Aside, what is this “tagging”? Is it like regular playground, “tag – you’re it!” tagging? Or is it this new way of labeling stuff on the Internet I keep reading about but don’t really understand?

  • So, from your requirements your perfect mate is clearly a GUY(or a tranny). Want me to set you up with some of the sweet actors who’ve been sending in headshots?

  • Anonymous

    I would like for EVERYONE to know that I DID NOT raise Stewie to be a big JACKASS.

    His Mother

  • Did you raise him to be a small JACKASS?

    I’m just asking.

  • Next blog – 100 reasons why I swear I was adopted.

  • “Because I don’t give a shit what other people think because I am better than them.”
    Just over from Lezzzzzley’s blog, I believe this is my favorite part. Mmmmmmhmmmmm…funny how the snobs find each other, even online, isn’t it Lesley?

  • It’s just natural that way, bellerina. Something in the blood.

    Oh, and can you please change your favorite movie “Empire Records” to “High Fidelity”? It’s bugging the fuck out of me.

  • Bellerina, you should know that Stewie is the Bizarro World incarnation of the Lesley. Our wonder twin powers will enable us to take over the world. Mwahahahahahah!!!

    Either that or the universe will implode. Or a lot of cider will go missing. Something like that.

    Oh and speaking of snobs, are you not admitting to being one yourself? “Hello pot, this is the kettle. You’re black!”

  • Excuse me, why the fuck do you think I’m here?!?! Kettle, hello, this is the fucking stock pot reporting for duty. Snobby: OUT AND PROUD!

    I must say, I am still stuck on Ace and his monkey thing. Too good.

  • Candy Barr

    Big Jackasses run in Stewies family. There are his uncle, him and his one and only nephew. AND, he will NOT be buying any foreign brides. If he does, he will be cut out of the will and believe me, STEWIE LOVES MONEY.

    He was a bizzare child.

    HIS MOTHER