There’s a Yankee Candle outlet down the street from me that I hit up on occasion because not only because of their phenomenal prices, but they always have shit on clearance and nine times out of 10, their candles are on sale for an even better price. And, seriously, I don’t give a shit what anyone says, Yankee Candles are the best.

Aside from needing candles, I also needed a topper thing because if you don’t put a topper thing on your candle when you burn it, it burns faster and sometimes out of whack. The topper equalizes all that. The last one I had broke, but I haven’t seen (a manly, I know, I know) one that would be a suitable replacement for the old (manly) one I had. But I figured since it was close to Halloween, maybe they’d have some darker-themed toppers.

Quick off topic story regarding the trip over:

The drive to the outlets involves me going across the Bay Bridge, and on certain days, they have many if not all of the booths open, so what happens is you have like eight or 10 lanes that need to converge into two. So naturally there’s  a backup. I’m used to it, so it’s no big deal. I’m not a dick about people wanting to get in front of me (unless they are one of the assholes that make zero effort to merge until the last possible minute, screwing up everyone, then fuck you). I’m also pretty assertive when I need to get over and I will drift and drift over until the person lets me in because I have insurance. That happened today.

People were in the jam, going about five miles an hour, merging and such, and I saw an opportunity to get over. So I put on my turn signal and proceeded to start getting over. Of course, as soon as I put on my signal, the cunt behind me started getting up on it so I couldn’t get over. So she thought. I just kept drifting over, not a care in the world. She finally got the hint and put on the breaks and I got in. I glanced in the mirror and saw she was yelling and her boyfriend was yelling, and me? I busted out laughing. Fuck you. Don’t be a dick. To teach her a lesson, I let three more cars in front of me, and I was pleased to see that someone else forced their way in front of her even as she tried to pull the same shit. Ug. Ignorant.

Moving on, I made my way to the outlets and found a SWEET parking spot (the kind that was not only close to the store, but I was able to pull straight on through from the spot behind it so I was nose out, good times). I saw from the outside that the current sale that they had was six large jar candles for $60. I know, right? That’s crazy insane pricing right there. I didn’t need six, though. Just two. And a topper.

I went in and headed straight for the toppers so I could pick one out quick if necessary. Sometimes they have a very limited supply on them, so I wanted to make sure if I saw one, to grab it. I didn’t see any on the shelves, but I found an endcap with Halloween-themed accessories for 65% off. Score! I managed to get a topper and a base for $10 total. That’s insane. The topper isn’t quite as manly as I wanted, but it was Halloween-themed, so that’s cool. I like Halloween.

Then it was time to move onto the candles. I asked the lady how much they were indivdually and she said $13.99. That’s not $10 each if I bought six, but a great price nonetheless (for those that don’t know, they go for like $25 retail). As I was looking for a suitable scent, a saleslady came up to me and said, “Smell this, your boyfriend will love it.”

I busted out laughing. I said, “I don’t have a boyfriend.” I wasn’t even mad. And I kind of felt bad for her because her face kind of fell, like she stepped in it and realized I wasn’t gay. Or I made it super awkward for her by saying, “I  don’t have a boyfriend,” instead of, “I’m not gay,” and she didn’t know what to think. The other lady, looking to cover her, said, “Oh pay her no mind.” I told her I didn’t. It doesn’t bother me what way people think I go. It’s irrelevant.

My friend Karin did bring up the point of, “You were at Yankee Candle, can you blame her?” And she has a point, but my counter is, “Fire, good smells and great for sexy time. Everyone should love candles, bi, gay or straight!”

Karin doesn’t like them. I question who doesn’t like fire because…fire. And fuck it, I like my house smelling good. Especially when I forget to put that Styrofoam thing the chicken came in in its own seperate bag before throwing it away. Candles mask that shit until it dissipates.

After my Yankee Candle experience, I spent the rest of the day watching horror movies. It’s October after all.

   

  • Kev Kango

    Yeah, you are super gay. And $10 a candle is good? Bitch, I got six jar candles for $2.99 apiece at Rose’s–you saw ’em on the wrap. And turns out I only needed 2, so it’s not like they were shitty quality cuz we burned ’em all damn night for 3 nights…

  • My house smells amazing ALL DAY.

  • I wanted to click like on this post. The thing is that your reply still leaves it open too. She could have continued, saying “Oh, it’s a shame you’re single. My cousin is a twink and would love to have a bear like you over for dinner.”

  • Right! As soon as I said, “I don’t have a boyfriend,” I realized that was a non-answer. haha.