I’ve always had trouble getting a good night’s sleep because of my snoring. But for the past month, it’s gotten far, far worse, where I’ve been waking up about every hour for no reason. I mean, if I had to pee each time I woke up, I’d be worried (that would be fat boy diabetes), but I’m just waking up. As if my body is saying, “HI! Just waking you up for no fucking reason!”

I dick around for 5 or 10 minutes, then go back to sleep, only to wake up again in an hour. So, after all has said and done, I may have gotten three hours a night of sleep a night since this started. Mind you, these aren’t consecutive hours; they’re just three house. Do you know what this does to a person? Let me fucking tell you (in no particular order).

Any reflexes you might have thought you had, well kiss them goodbye. I normally keep a reasonable distance between myself and the vehicle in front of me when driving. I’ve doubled that in the past month. My reflexes have been sloooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww.

You know the true meaning of insomnia. Late at night on Facebook, without fail, you’ll see at least one post from your friend’s saying they have insomnia. They don’t. They just can’t sleep that night. When you can’t sleep 30 days in a row, you are on an entirely different level. I’m not even judging those folks who are complaining about their “insomnia” because I used to do the same. God, those were the days.

You fall asleep randomly and without realizing it. You know how when you are super tired and you are driving and you say to yourself, “I can shut my eyes for five seconds; I’ll be fine”. And you KNOW that’s crazy. It’s stupid and dangerous and insane, and you know that while you are thinking it. However, when you haven’t had any sort of “night’s sleep” in a month, you don’t get the luxury of thinking you can close your eyes safely for X amount of time. It just happens on its own, and its fucking terrifying. Fortunately, that has only happened twice, and only for a matter of seconds, but it’s no less scary. I now have caffeine pills in my car.

Caffeine pills aren’t all that. But they help somewhat.

Talking becomes a chore. You are so exhausted, forming simple sentences requires a lot of thought. And when that thought is finally ready to become words, those words can be so slurred, people ask if you are drunk. (Yes, this happened to me. A co-worker jokingly said it, but I sounded like I was.)

Your eyes droop. I had no idea this was going on until a co-worker pointed it out.

You lightly hallucinate. That was the moment I knew shit was going bad, when I started seeing things that weren’t there. I’m not talking about shadow people or anything like that. Mostly it’s weird things, like seeing a cup when it’s not really there. This has happened more than once; I’ll reach down for a cup to get a drink that I know is there because I see it out of the corner of my eye (we’ll just ignore that I never got a drink in the first place). It’s only when my fingers grasp at nothing do I realize that that mind was being a dick and was never really there.

My co-workers notice how fucked up I’ve been lately, and demanded I get a sleep study. Keila, my BBFF acted like I was causing a risk to her while she was on the road at the same time as me, but we all know it’s because she cares.

I got my sleep study consultation last week, now I’m just waiting for the insurance company to approve the actual study. I really don’t want for this to be a battle, but I’m prepared for a fight if need be. All I want at this point is 8 hours of blissful sleep, but I’ll settle for 6.

  • Those of us who watch TV with you also demand the sleep study. Your snoring during the movies is going to get you killed(or teabagged).

  • That too.