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I am not a morning person.

Not only am a not a morning person, I hate the morning people who insist on being chipper first thing in the morning.

Also, I am not a phone person.  A gabber, if you will.

So when you call me in the morning and I flip the phone open and shut, hanging up on you, don’t call back.

If you do call back and I flip the phone open long enough to hear you say, “Don’t hang up on me agai…” before I close it, hanging up on you again, don’t call back.

And if you call a third time, and I simply hit the button that shuts the ringer, sending you to voicemail, don’t leave me a bitchy ass voicemail crying about how I should not hang up on you.

If you know me, you wouldn’t call me in the morning in the first fucking place.

  • Blonde

    Well you could have just called me back, Mr. Angry.

  • You scare me in the mornings. Like if I say, “Good morning,” you’re going to come across the room and slice open my caroitid arteries with your fingernails and then pull out my eyeballs out with your teeth.

  • Ace

    I’d agree, except I get so few phone calls, I’m kind of delighted to get them, even if they wake me up. (And yes, I always lie and say “no, you didn’t wake me.” I can’t imagine you doing that. More like, “Yeah, you &#$@ing woke me. CLICK.”)

  • Maybe you need a Friends With Stewie Guidebook you could hand out to all your friends. Make sure it includes gems like this. And you might want to also mention the Egg Sammich Maker, the Totino’s Party Pizza Maker, and feeeeeeeeeeeeed the worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrld…

    I’m just saying.

  • bwahahahahaha – oh that’s hilariously evil and I love Freak’s description of you in mornings. I am the quintessential morning person. I wake up at 6am naturally and I don’t have to be at work until 10am. I just putter around and enjoy my day. It’s hard because most of my friends are night owls.

  • Blonde, I would have but there’s that restraining order thingy.

    Freak, yes. You know what time it is!

    Ace, yep. That’s exactly what I do. My sister calls me on occasion just to see if I was sleeping.

    Lesley, ohhhhhhhhhh good idea. Don’t hate the pizza maker!

    Snooze, oh my, are you a chipper morning person, too? Or do you keep to yourself?

  • I don’t phone and annoy non-morning people. I let the cat outside, blog, and if I have a house guest, perform sexual acts in an effort to wake them gently.

  • Holy shit. Nice answer.

  • Ha! I used to think I was a morning person…then I decided I must be a night person…now I’ve decided that I’m just moody!!! Watch out or I might bite your head off with no warning!

  • I was gonna comment, but then I realized i need to go wake up at Snooze’s place. Sorry

  • hot, don’t be a moody mary! a night person is cool. screw the day timers!

    greg, no shit.