Back in the day, I used to spend a lot of time in Salisbury, MD. Partly was seeing a young filly down there, partly was one of my best friends was going to school there. So about every weekend, I was making a hike down to Salisbury to see one or the other or both.
As the girl I was dating at the time didn’t have a car (holy shit, that should have been a sign of things to come), I would trek her to work whenever I was in town, taking the load off of her roommates.
Well, one day, I was heading back to my friend’s house after dropping the then-girlfriend off. As it goes, I was in a pretty big hurry because once I got to Carrie’s, my friend, we were going to go somewhere Big. Where Big was, I can’t remember. Nor can I remember what Big was. I just remember it was Big. So I was in a hurry.
As it usually goes when you are in a hurry, and people are waiting on you, the cars in front of you decide to drive slower. It’s in the laws of nature. That’s what happens. So it is written, so it shall be. And that day was no different. I was cooking down the road at a steady clip, when I got stuck behind a car, I shit you not, going about 35 in a 55. I wanted to go 70 in said 55, so I was pissed on a couple different levels.
Fortunately, though, I was on a four-lane highway, so I jumped over to the left lane at my first opportunity and passed the car. Keep in mind, a car going 35 on a highway f’s everyone. So it took a slight bit of time to get over to pass it. Imagine my dismay when I saw it was a line of cars being held up in the right lane because of one asshole way the hell up front.
I didn’t let the line of cars dissuade me from getting to my Big thing, though. I was on a mission. So I hit the accelerator and started blowing by the line of cars on my right. I was going so fast, I didn’t realize my exit was coming up until it was right up on me. There was just enough time for me to immediately notice two things — one of which I should have noticed as I was passing the convoy.
The first thing I noticed was there was just enough room for me to cut in behind the car that was the cause of the right lane congestion.
The second thing I noticed — the thing I should have noticed earlier — was all the cars in the convoy had their headlights on.
“That’s odd,” I thought, as I hit my blinker for my exit. Then I noticed the third thing — the thing I wish I had not noticed at all.
The car that was the cause of the ruckus, the car that I had just pulled behind in my rush to get to my friend’s house, was a hearse.
So not only did I bust up a funeral procession, I did it big. I got between the body and the family. Because when I look like an ass, I tend to go all out.
That’s a skill, people. That’s something you just can’t learn. You have it or your don’t. Because you’re born with it.
Don’t be jealous.