When no one looks, I pimp.

My buddy Steve is having an engagement party this weekend. Vietnamese custom is for the groom and his groomsmen to hand out gifts to the families of those getting married. Since I have the honor of being a groomsmen, I am participating in this tradition.

But I need a suit.

I don’t recollect ever owning a suit. I’ve only had the need for one maybe five times in my 33 years, and my dad always had one I could wear. I guess it was high time to get my own.

This past Monday I had the day off and decided that was the day I was going to become an adult (and get XM radio — thanks again Nicki).

First, I went to Sears. Well, first I went to Bestbuy to get my XM radio installed, then I went to Sears. Since I couldn’t justify spending more than $150 or so on something I might wear once a year, I figured that would be the place to start.

Nuh-uh.

Sears had two things. Jack and shit. And Jack left town, apparently taking the suits with him. Sure they had blazers, but that’s not the same.

So I aimlessly wandered the mall on a quest to find a suit. For those of you keeping score — Suncoast, Sam Goody, Electronics Boutique, Borders, Prints Plus and Hot Topic do not carry them. I debated on going back to Bestbuy, but I decided against it because I’ve been in there enough times that I would have remembered if they had a suit section. Oh, and while Auntie Anne’s has kick ass pretzels, they don’t carry suits either. They even give you a funny look if you ask.

I eventually found myself in front of the entrance to Hechts, where I stood and debated whether or not to even bother. I knew they sold suits, but chances were they weren’t going to be in my price range. After some deliberation, I thought “what the hell, there might be a sale.”

I made my way back to the suit section and, before I could even focus on any, the salesman was BAM! Right in front of me. I swear these guys come out of nowhere.

“Can I help you with something, sir?” He said, giving me the once over. I felt like I should have worn something else besides my jeans with the hole and a t-shirt that had seen better days. Then I felt like punching the salesman in the face for no particular reason. Yeah, I already disliked this smarmy little ass.

“Yeah, I’m looking for a suit. It’ll be a throw-away. I’m looking to spend no more than 150 to 160 bucks.” Fuck it, you know? Might as well be up front.

“Well, sir, we don’t have anything like that here. But we…”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks anyway.”

And I walked.

I know… I KNOW if I had stayed, there would have been a confrontation.

I am not a violent person. At times, an angry one, but not violent. But this guy pissed me off to no end. This fucking suit salesman piece of shit. I probably make double his salary and he has this holier than thou attitude. Cock.

Reality check, assmunch. You sell suits. At Hechts. You aren’t doing anything that anybody else can’t do. It’s Hechts, man. Two steps above Sears, one above JC Penney, but still one below Nordstrom. You aren’t even top tier. Get the fuck over yourself.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not downing the guy for what he does for a living or how much he makes — although it may seem like it. I worked retail for 10 years, so I know what it’s like and I respect those in the field. But, let’s face it, it’s not the type of job where you are in a position to act better than potential customers.

So I left the mall a little pissed, but not too pissed because I picked up a DVD I’ve been looking for for awhile and some new sunglasses that I dug a lot. It’s rare that I can find shades that I dig enough to buy. So good did come out of it.

The following day, I went to Men’s Wearhouse and bought a suit and shoes. Toya (the saleslady) absolutely rocked in finding me what I needed.

The final cost? $350.

Plus, when no one was looking, I put on my new sunglasses to see how they looked with the new suit. Superfly, baby.

Money well spent.