I know I was supposed to finish up Dorkapalooza ’08, but Sparkling Red wrote a post that is so entirely much like my life, that I had to share it here. Plus it’s late and I didn’t prep the pictures.
I straight ripped this from her blog, I take credit for none of it (except for the copy and paste).
You should check out her blog, it’s a good ‘un.
Now onto her post…
Have you ever wanted to have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder but just didn’t know where to start?
Spark’s publishing brings you a simple, step-by step guide for enjoying this unique and colourful disorder, in nine easy steps.
1) No detail is too small to obsess about. Why not start with the status of your stove? This is very popular among beginners. Develop a habit of checking your stove to make sure it’s off. This can be done on your way out of the house, before you go to bed, or anytime. Remember: if you check once and feel satisfied, you have not achieved OCD. The “magic number” of checks that allows you to leave the stove and carry on with your life must be at least two (2).
2) The “magic number” of checks for any of your compulsions should increase proportionately to the stress in your life. Once the number has increased, it will be very difficult to reduce it again. For example, if you usually check the stove four times before you leave the house, you may feel compelled to check a fifth time. Or, in severe circumstances, you may need to “take it from the top” and do another full round of four checks.
3) The checking should be done in a ritualistic fashion. It is not sufficient to give the stove a quick, visual once-over, and walk away. Point to each dial on the stove, and as you do so chant “Off, Off, Off, Off, Off” (that’s once for each element and once for the oven). Vocalizing and using repetitious movements will reinforce your habit and deepen your experience.
4) Be prepared: the day will come when no amount of ritualized checking will scratch the itch. When you get stuck in front of the stove, checking and re-checking in an infinite loop, congratulate yourself! You have achieved a masterful level of OCD. If you have made yourself late for work or any other obligation, to which you otherwise would have been on time, pat yourself on the back. You have truly arrived.
5) Are you sure that the door to your home is closed and locked? Pull on it a bunch of times. Walk away from it. Turn back. Stare at it. Walk back and pull on it a bunch more times. Stare at it some more. It looks closed, but something in your mind isn’t accepting that input. Fiddle with your door until no one could possibly rationalize the amount of time you’re spending there. Now all your neighbours know that you have OCD! Good work.
6) If you’d like to spend a good deal of time convinced that your home is burning down while you’re away, and the stove just isn’t doing it for you, invest in a curling or straightening iron. If you can ever convince yourself to leave the house again, it’ll be a miracle. Are you sure you turned it off? Or is your shower curtain catching fire as you read this?
7) You’re just about to fall asleep. It’s the end of the day. Time to just lie back and relax. Wait, are you sure you took out your contact lenses? Is your alarm set to the right time, turned on, and at an appropriate volume? Did you leave the tap running in the bathroom? There is such an abundance of things to jump out of bed and check, that sleeping pales in comparison.
8) For added fun, encourage your spouse to trigger your obsessions. When you’ve finally checked for your wallet enough times, and feel ready to walk out the door, s/he should take that as a cue to ask “Are you sure you have your wallet?” and then giggle insanely as you furiously undertake a fresh round of checking. (No, Ken doesn’t do this. But my ex did. I don’t think he really “got” how mean it was. *stewie note: both of my best friends pull this shit on me every chance they get.*)
9) Had enough of the OCD for now? Shake it off. Get angry. Say to yourself “I cannot spend all day standing and staring at my front door. So what if it is unlocked? So what if the stove is on? I can’t live paralyzed by these thoughts. If the house is burgled or burns down, so be it.” Then turn on your heel and march.
That there is eerily accurate. It really is spooky. While I know it’s crazy talk, part of me thinks she followed me around on any given day and took notes.
There are so many things spot on with her post that it’s a little freaky that someone goes through the exact same things I do. I’m not naive enough to think that I’m the only one with OCD, by any means. But to see someone whom I don’t know so accurately describe it is a little spooky, especially with lines such as “The “magic number” of checks for any of your compulsions should increase proportionately to the stress in your life.” really hit home.
As I get from Sparks (formerly known as Red), this is not debilitating by any means (which I’m thankful for), but it does get quite frustrating when you know, you know, what you are doing is insane. But you just can’t help it.