I hate cats.

Cats are easily the most useless domesticated animal. They have absolutely no purpose. None. Unless it’s to piss on your carpets, destroy your furniture, break your belongings or, if you are allergic, make you completely miserable. I take that back, you don’t have to be allergic to cats for them to make you miserable.

And, cat owners, pipe down. I already heard all of your lame ass excuses.

“They are good companions.”

The fuck they are. They only let you pet them when it’s convenient for them. Or they want something. Don’t think for one minute that their world revolves around you. Cats are selfish little bastards. If you want a companion, get a dog.

“Cats are smarter than dogs, they have their own personality.”

No. Cats are smarter than you. They own your ass and you don’t even realize it. You say they have a personality so you can justify how they walk all over you.

“He only pees on your carpet because he’s marking his territory.”

What?!? Marking his territory? Until that piece of wasted flesh pays a fucking mortgage bill, he doesn’t have any fucking territory.

“He only pees on your carpet because he’s upset.”

Hey, I get upset when I’m in Walmart, but I don’t take my dick out and piss all over the automotive section.

“My cat knows me better than anyone else. He’s like a little person.”

What. The. Fuck. Seriously. Get some fucking help. And yes, I have heard that one.

And on. And on. And on.

All cats are the same. They all suck. They should round them all up and put them down. Little worthless fuckers.

And if you think they are loyal to you, go ahead and have someone else start feeding them. See how much they pay attention to you after that.

I used to have a dog that only my dad fed, but that dog was loyal to everyone in the family and he came to anyone in the family who called him. Try that with a cat.

Cats fucking suck.

  • Anonymous

    You should definately get a cat, it might change your opinion. Take this one, it’s free:

    Free cat

    K’

  • Whatever h8er. It’s worth having a cat just to see the little fuckers go nuts with catnip. But I don’t like people, so I guess it’s natural for me to like cats.

  • WHATWHATWHAT!? Nothing from Freak Magnet yet!? (:-O I am shocked and appalled.

    We’ve got a cat…he likes me because I am the only member of the family that doesn’t pull his tail, try to put bonnets on him or chase him through the house with a water gun.

    Too bad I am not that fond of him…mean little fucker….

  • I totally agree. Cats suck.

    They make me sneeze, and they always go poopy an inch from their litterbox.

    Dogs don’t need litterboxes. Dogs rock.

  • Anonymous

    Unless your cats are making you money by dragging in decaying rodent corpses, you cat lovers should stop bitching about cats being so useful.

  • Stewie’s Mom

    Stewie has not liked cats since he was a little boy. One of ours scratched him and he cried like a little girl. Stewie soon killed our cat. That was the beginning of his animal cruelty stage. He was soon killing little girls in the neighborhood.

    It’s not my fault the law has not caught up with him. How could I turn in a boy with such cute eyes?

    Mama

  • 0/5.

    Because my mother would write something much, much funnier than that. 🙁