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A few blogs back I explained why I have two different colored eyes.

I don’t know if I mentioned it or not–you are lucky to get the link–but the vision in the bad eye is horribly bad. It can only be corrected to 20/40. I couldn’t even tell you what it is uncorrected, but I’m legally blind in it, so that should be enough.

About two years ago I went to Sears Optical* to get my vision checked so I could get some new contacts and glasses.

It’s always amusing when opticians check out my eye for the first time because they always do a double take. Apparently, I have a lot of scaring on the bad eye, due to the operations I have had on it. And it’s always the same conversation…

“Hmmmmm,” they’ll say, as they use the super-duper magnifying lens on my eyes.

“If you are wondering, then yes, it’s scar tissue. I’ve had a few operations on it.” I’ll say.

“How did…” they’ll start.

Then it’s my cue to go through the same old story–not that I mind, people seem to find it entertaining and, apparently, I am here to entertain.

So I go through the rigmarole with the new doc and get the scripts from him so I can pick out my glasses and order my contacts.

Then he said something never said to me before.

“You should also order some safety glasses to wear when you are wearing your contacts.”

Huh? And I think “huh” was what I said then, too.

“So you can protect your good eye. You don’t want to risk anything happening to it, do you?”

What. The. Fuck.

The thought had never crossed my mind. Sure, it’s probably come to the crosswalk before in times of danger (like when I got nailed with a snow/iceball right in the good eye), but I always told that motherfucker to go back into his hole. I didn’t want to hear his negative ass. I have enough problems to keep me occupied than to worry about something that may or may not happen.

In over 24 years of going to the eye doctors, NONE have suggested that. Not one. And I’ve been to the top doctors in the country.

I don’t blame the guy. I mean he was only looking out for my best interests. But, fuck, man. Like I need that over my head.

I get contacts for three reasons:

1. The right eye drifts like a motherfucker when I don’t wear a contact in it. And it has to be a contact because if they were to put the power in glasses, I’d be walking around all cockeyed and shit because one lens would be thin and the other would be about six feet thick.

2. So I can wear sunglasses. Sunlight is a bitch when your pupil doesn’t dilate.

3. SO I DON’T HAVE TO WEAR GLASSES. Oh, and while I’m thinking about it, you motherfuckers that wear glasses, but don’t need them, can go straight to hell.

The pisser is, due to my obsessive compulsive nature, the thought of something happening to my good eye comes out of his hole much, much more often, now. Before, the bastard would only come out if some serious shit was going down–like a three car pileup in his front yard.

Now the little fucker comes out just to smile and say hi. Prick.

*on a side note, don’t ever go to Sears Optical in the Annapolis Mall. Thieving bastards. Another blog, another time. Just trust me on this.

  • With your luck, you’d wear the safety glasses, get hit with something with such force, it would shatter the safety glasses and send debris into your eye anyway.

    You can’t ever win, Stewie. Haven’t you learned that yet?

  • YOU’RE A FREAK! YOU AND SHIVERS, BOTH FREAKY-EYED FREAKS!!

  • Freak, you evil, evil woman.

    Aric, Shivers rocked. I take that as a compliment.

  • You know… I can make a comment about you being legally blind explaining your wardrobe choices…

    But, I won’t 😉

  • 1 word.

    Cosplay.

    Isn’t it nice to have something to fall back on? 😀

  • LOL, yes, except I don’t cosplay… but you do wear some ugly shirts. 😀

    WINNNAR!!11!

  • lol

    See, they are ugly to you fashion victims in Jersey.

    DON’T GET ME STARTED!!!!111UNOUNO!!!

  • You should wear safety glasses.

    And one of those big white helmets some of the special kids had to wear so they wouldn’t hurt themselves when they fell down.

  • You should wear safety glasses.

    And one of those big white helmets some of the special kids had to wear so they wouldn’t hurt themselves when they fell down.

  • so important that you said it twice!

    I actually used to wear super protector never get laid glasses when I was 8 and getting laid didn’t matter (at least in my part of town).

    Those sucked.

    And I have a helmet.

    Maybe I can rig something up for HF.

  • I don’t know how it ended up posting twice. It must have the horrortalk virus.